Angst amongst the Slaves to Darkness this week as the dark hordes prepare to welcome a new generation of stronger, meaner, and flashier Warriors.
“Used to be all you needed was a suit of armour and a sharp sword,” said Gornar Goodchewer, Chaos Warrior. “Now they’re turning up with glowing runes, chiselled jaws, and dynamic stances. Posers…”
This new generation of hellish infantry has reportedly delighted Archaon, who has broadened the initiative to include the Chaos Chosen, Chaos Knights, and assorted heroes. Chaos Marauders have been forbidden from joining the project, supposedly due to the pleasure Archaon feels watching them struggle under their unlikely physique.
In response to falling recruitment numbers and shrinking market share, Archaon Everchosen is executing several bold strategies to shore up the Slaves to Darkness’ bottom line. Amidst new uniforms for the Chaos Chosen and an intensified exercise regime for Daemon Princes, one scheme stands out amongst the rest: the creation of a Chaos equivalent to the iconic greenskin squig.
‘Must be small, preferably round,’ reads the design brief acquired exclusively by the Azyr Weekly. ‘Distinctive physical feature (e.g. teeth) a must. Explore eye size – small and beady proven success, potential in market for large and plate-like. Interesting form of locomotion is a plus.’
Experiments by Tzeentchian magisters to reshape Chaos Spawn into smaller, more attractive forms met with disaster as the resultant Spawnlettes slipped their chains and caused significant slaughter in a nearby cultist encampment. Some hope that these antics could be spun positively in the Khornate and Orruk markets, an angle dismissed as the desperate pipedreams of those that insist that Chaos Spawn must be good for something.
Efforts to meet Archaon’s goals are ongoing, with Flesh Hound breeding programs and Slaaneshi slave raids both providing promising results. We will keep our readers posted as these projects progress.
Editor’s Note: We have received word that a Gaunt Summoner has been defenestrated from the Varanspire after suggesting the use of Nurglings. Whether the move was one of anger from Archaon or genuine embarrassment from not thinking of it first is unclear.
The Three-Eyed King has been locked inside the Varanspire for weeks now, refusing audiences to all but his most accomplished acolytes. After careful rummaging through the Varandumpsters we can confidently report the following: Archaon is readying more Varanguard, but he may have bitten off more than he can chew.
“On paper? Beautiful. In practice? Not so much,” explained an anonymous Varanguard when asked about his arms and armour. “Delightful filigree on the helmet and shoulder pads, but it’s damned hard to clean. I certainly don’t envy whoever crafted it in the first place.”
Our Eightpoints correspondent has reported howls of misery and despair coming from the Varanspire, not necessarily unusual but reportedly delivered with significantly more force and power. We have tasked our seers with trying to perceive the actions being taken by Archaon, but they have been unable to discern whether he is attaching the little horns to the side of the horses’ armour, or polishing the edges of the armour’s trim. All agree that Khorne’s favour is currently in the ascendant.
Whatever the case may be, Azyrite strategists are preparing for the inevitable, and readying for a massive campaign once Archaon finishes his task and seeks to vent out his frustrations.