“We’ve always had a strong rune culture” – Lumineth and Fyreslayers at loggerheads

One of the oldest rivalries in the Mortal Realms has escalated as Fyreslayer elders react in horror to the Lumineth’s new battlefield rune system.

“Runes mean duardin, and duardin mean runes!” insisted Wylim Thwackhammer, Vostarg Spokesfather. “These flouncy elgi think, just because they have tall towers and magic tricks, that they can take whatever they like.”

The Lumineth have rejected this characterisation, explaining that they engaged duardin runic advisers when crafting their own rune system. They will also be donating 5% of any treasure gained to charities involved in giving shirts to impoverished duardin youth.

“We hope to honour our duardin allies with our new runes, and build on the rich cultural legacy that they have gifted us.”

“Just as planned” – Infuriating Tzeentch wizard refuses to take the L

A Tzeentch Fatemaster is shown in a collection of lethal situations, laughing in each one.

The schemes of Tzeentchian warlord Ponk Roseye, never the most satisfying of opponents, have taken a horrendous turn as they refuse to admit to even the smallest of defeats. At first this affectation was seen as a charming quirk, but has quickly spiraled out of control.

“It used to be, ‘Oh, you got me,’ or maybe an ‘Aw shucks’ but now he cackles and insists it’s all part of some grand scheme. It takes all the fun out of war,” complained long-suffering opponent Kragnan the Blood Dripper.

It is unclear whether this is a genuine belief of Roseye’s, or instead an effort to boost their self-esteem after a series of embarrassing defeats. The Weekly has asked Roseye how many more ‘victories’ their forces can hope to sustain before total annihilation, and whether this too is ‘part of the plan’. They have declined to comment.

News on Pause – Hiatus

For four years, on the dot in fact, the Azyr Weekly has been publishing the news once a week, every week. We are 47,000 words in, and with 231 articles published. As a person who is chronically prone to leaving projects half-completed this has been a noteworthy achievement! However as time has gone on things have started to slip. Articles have started being published later and later in the week, and over the past month I have even done the unthinkable and skipped a week or two!

The Azyr Weekly is a lot of things to me. It’s a creative outlet, a passion project, and a proof of concept – a monument built by the ego of a man convinced that he is funny but needs to know if others think the same. It is a lot of fun. However, as my strategic studies supervisor passed on to me in exchange for a cool NZ$10,000; “Everything is very simple in war, but the simplest thing is difficult”. War in this case being an analogy for satirical journalism centered around a miniature wargame. What started as quick little diversion each Tuesday has become a chore eked every Wednesday evening, asking friends to photoshop up a cover image since I was already in bed or messaging mates to check “What’s funny at the moment?”. I have not lost my dedication to the Weekly, but I have lost my spark. And that’s no fun for anyone.

Instead of slinking off, I thought I should do the mature thing and leave this notice. The news is on pause, but it is not over. The Editor is just taking a break, a step-back to recuperate. I cannot promise that I’ll be back and better than ever – I will most likely be back the same as before! But hopefully I’ll be back with my passion 100% returned and raring to go.

If you run a site or blog and need some humorous articles, Age of Sigmar or not, please feel free to reach out to @AzyrWeekly (or even my personal Twitter @DistractdSatrap if you’re feeling cheeky). You can also email me. And if you know James Workshop; please tell him that I’m sorry about all those emails I sent at 1am during 2021 and that I’d love it if he took me off his spam list.

Until we meet again!

Yours in news,

the Editor