Orruks not green, just envious

Shock in the Mortal Realms this week as researchers in Azyr make an earth-shaking discovery – orruks are not naturally green, but are instead made that way due to their fundamentally envious nature.

The finding was made after an orruk was given the loudest firearm available from the Ironweld Arsenal, the fastest mount to be found in Hysh, and a pair of stilts which made him as tall as a mega-gargant. Upon receiving these goods the orruk’s skin immediately faded to a gentle lavender, and the orruk adopted a pleasant demeanour.

The implications are tremendous but application on the field has proven troubling, since only a single orruk can possibly be pacified this way at a single time. Efforts have instead pivoted to encouraging orruks to compare themselves against internal goals, rather than against their peers. However, just like their human counterparts, orruks have struggled to adopt this mindset and have instead taken to trying to prove their mindfulness through ritual bouts of ‘meditation’. That these often devolve into headbutting contests to prove who has the ‘strongest head’ has not filled Azyrite scholars with hope.

Flesh-eater Courts misread memo, attempt rank-and-flank

Recent rumours of an Old World revival have taken the Mortal Realms by storm. Chivalrous knights in particular have been inspired by the news but, due to a series of unfortunate miscommunications, the rumours have been wildly misinterpreted by the Flesh-eater Courts, who have begun to rank up like the mighty armies of yore.

The move has been met by bemusement by many of the ghouls’ rivals, who are used to their eccentric behaviour.

“Yeah, it happens pretty often,” confided a regular opponent of the Flesh-eaters. “Sometimes they’ll bring out this big battle standard and try to join up with the Soulblight, sometimes they’ll assemble their army according to some arcane percentage-based system. They normally get sick of it pretty quickly though.”

We sent our reporters to survey the ghouls, and they wrote back describing great wheeling formations of squares and wedges. Their account also included descriptions of violent arguments erupting over how many degrees different regiments had shifted or the approach made by adversaries as they charged into flanks. Whether the Flesh-eater Courts will stick with this style of maneuver or return to a more civilized mode of war remains to be seen.

Nagash’s purchase of Squeekr continues to embarrass

Some time has passed since Nagash purchased Skaven communication medium Squeekr after an ill-advised boast, but time has not made him wiser. The Supreme Necromancer has continued to make error after error as he attempts to navigate Squeekr’s twisted warrens.

His first gaffe was removing the byzantine restrictions the Council of Thirteen had placed on Squeekr, instead opening the gates to any who wished to join. A dig at Sigmar’s historic closing of the gates of Azyr, the system was immediately flooded by hordes of Orruks yelling “Waaagh!” until the restrictions could be reinstated months later.

A more recent error was the adjustment of the system of warpstone tokens labeling users of notable pedigree. Instead, Nagash promised that any individual could instead pay to receive a token of their own. Although this saw some early support, the numbers quickly dropped, with those bearing a token becoming an immediate target of Eshin assassins. Nagash implemented a system that provided an option to hide the possession of a token, but subscribers continue to live in fear.

Whether we have seen the last of Nagash is unknown, but experts consider it unlikely as the death god continues to try and recuperate losses sustained during the Necroquake. Rumours have begun to circulate that Nagash operates a secret, alternate Squeekr handle named Lil’ Siggy which he uses to impersonate a juvenile alter-ego of the God-King as a sort of stress relief. We will bring you further updates as they happen.