Helsmith diminutive stature linked to heavy hats

A mystery solved this week as Azyrite scientists conclusively prove the reason for the Helsmiths’ petite size – the weight of their oversized hats.

“The duardin have always been a clever but stubborn species,” commented head researcher Harper Bos. “We are confident that the Hashutites understand the consequences of their hat-wearing, but consider the considerable downsides to be worth the cost.”

This theory has led to several revelations, the most compelling of which has been the discovery of a hidden ruling caste. The so-called Grimgrik, or “Those Who Suffer with the Pain of Leadership” are those duardin whose hats are so impressive that they render their wearers immobile. Unable to move more than a few steps in a day, these elders issue directives from specially constructed thrones deep in the ziggurats. To be the chosen neck rubber for one of the Grimgrik is a significant honour for aspiring Zharrdron – to be their helmet polisher, less so.

Archaon regrets making Varanguard armour so fiddly

The Three-Eyed King has been locked inside the Varanspire for weeks now, refusing audiences to all but his most accomplished acolytes. After careful rummaging through the Varandumpsters we can confidently report the following: Archaon is readying more Varanguard, but he may have bitten off more than he can chew.

“On paper? Beautiful. In practice? Not so much,” explained an anonymous Varanguard when asked about his arms and armour. “Delightful filigree on the helmet and shoulder pads, but it’s damned hard to clean. I certainly don’t envy whoever crafted it in the first place.”

Our Eightpoints correspondent has reported howls of misery and despair coming from the Varanspire, not necessarily unusual but reportedly delivered with significantly more force and power. We have tasked our seers with trying to perceive the actions being taken by Archaon, but they have been unable to discern whether he is attaching the little horns to the side of the horses’ armour, or polishing the edges of the armour’s trim. All agree that Khorne’s favour is currently in the ascendant.

Whatever the case may be, Azyrite strategists are preparing for the inevitable, and readying for a massive campaign once Archaon finishes his task and seeks to vent out his frustrations.

Adversies in disagreement over objectives

A tale as old as time is playing out in the plains of Ghur today as two warlords stand in staunch opposition as to what their goals are in their upcoming battle, and how they might identify the actual victor.

Reginald the Oblique, notorious Freeguild general, has insisted that the fight centre around six objectives, set in two sets of three against each army’s area of deployment. The general has also suggested that each objective may be destroyed in order to yield extra strategic value, though the practicalities of this have yet to be established.

His rival, famed Ossiarch strategist Klarak the Kneetaker, has refused his terms. She has pointed out subsections snuck into the contract meaning that the basic rank-and-file will take precedence when considering control of vital battlefield points. Pointing out that the Freeguild greatly outnumber her own Mortek, she sees this as an unfair advantage. She instead recommends fighting over the centre of the battlefield where her force’s resilience can prove decisive.

The deadlock seems likely to continue, with no end in sight. A rare hope of a solution occurred when a passerby suggested that the battle’s goals be decided randomly just before the fight was due to begin, but this has only served to open a third front in the discussion and has helped nobody.