Archaon demands creation of ‘Chaos Squig’

In response to falling recruitment numbers and shrinking market share, Archaon Everchosen is executing several bold strategies to shore up the Slaves to Darkness’ bottom line. Amidst new uniforms for the Chaos Chosen and an intensified exercise regime for Daemon Princes, one scheme stands out amongst the rest: the creation of a Chaos equivalent to the iconic greenskin squig.

‘Must be small, preferably round,’ reads the design brief acquired exclusively by the Azyr Weekly. ‘Distinctive physical feature (e.g. teeth) a must. Explore eye size – small and beady proven success, potential in market for large and plate-like. Interesting form of locomotion is a plus.’

Experiments by Tzeentchian magisters to reshape Chaos Spawn into smaller, more attractive forms met with disaster as the resultant Spawnlettes slipped their chains and caused significant slaughter in a nearby cultist encampment. Some hope that these antics could be spun positively in the Khornate and Orruk markets, an angle dismissed as the desperate pipedreams of those that insist that Chaos Spawn must be good for something.

Efforts to meet Archaon’s goals are ongoing, with Flesh Hound breeding programs and Slaaneshi slave raids both providing promising results. We will keep our readers posted as these projects progress.

Editor’s Note: We have received word that a Gaunt Summoner has been defenestrated from the Varanspire after suggesting the use of Nurglings. Whether the move was one of anger from Archaon or genuine embarrassment from not thinking of it first is unclear.

Lumineth general concedes defeat, deploys army half-coloured

It has been a trying few weeks for Lord Regent Uthralle as he attempts to muster an army for the upcoming Battle of the Frothing Bay. After spending a small fortune assembling the needed soldiery and associated heroes, Uthralle has been struck by the bane of all Realm-lords – the overengineering of the Lumineth uniform.

“Moulded-on runes were a mistake,” lamented the Lord-Regent, paintbrush and masking tape in hand. “And these delicate lengths of trim? You can’t even see them from a distance. Absolute waste of time.”

Lumineth agents have been dispatched across the Realms to try and find a solution to their aesthetic problem. Several successful exchanges have already taken place with the ethereal Nighthaunt, who have demonstrated their trend of dressing in a single, smooth gradient. Meetings with the Stormcast Eternals have delved into the idea of disguising aelves as if they were entirely made of rock, exciting the Alarith Stonemages but otherwise insulting the aelves’ sense of style.

Until adjustments are able to be made Teclis has begun petitioning the other gods for some leeway, proposing a ‘casual Friday’ for battles conducted at the end of a work week. He faces a frosty reception however, and may be regretting smiting many of his fellow deities with Purple Suns over the past month.

Kharadron Overlord profits up despite grot boycott

The annual profit reports issued by the Geldraad council are appointment reading for the economists of the Realms, representing the total gross revenue streams of all the skyports pledged to the Kharadron Code. Today’s report represents another success for the Kharadron, showing continued profit despite heavy economic headwinds. The finding has generated some surprise in the wider community, but none are more shocked than the Cutbait Grots – a confederation of grots dedicated to fulfilling prophecies of the skyports’ demise.

Microboss Loudnag, leader of the confederation, has refused to comment on the news. They have instead locked themselves away with their most trusted followers, presumably poring over the reports in minute detail to uncover some hidden disaster. Rumours have it that Loudnag is only able to sustain his current standard of living (most famously being able to afford two pet squigs and as many shrooms as he can snort) through the donations of the faithful, an income stream that may dry up should the prophecies prove without substance.

“He probably just has to be patient,” advised financial commentator Helg Shortcall. “Profits rise and fall, and it’s just a matter of time until the Geldraad has an unprofitable year, or at the very least a less-profitable one. If Loudnag can last until then, he can jump back in guns blazing.”

Editor’s note: As we go to print Loudnag has issued his response, proclaiming that the Geldraad’s profit increased at a rate slower than the annual rate of inflation, thus representing an actual loss. Although shaky, the statement appears to have shored up his congregation and they seem as confident as ever of the Kharadron Overlords’ imminent downfall.