Nagash Slams Rallying – “They Stole My Necromancy”

The Supreme Necromancer has come out hard this morning against the proliferation of ‘rallying’ amongst the factions of the Mortal Realms. Far from a mundane exercise in morale boosting, Nagash has accused users of employing necromancy to resurrect slain comrades without his explicit authorisation.

“The Lord Nagash is Supreme Lord of the Undead,” explained spokesliche Arkhan the Black. “And returning soldiers from the dead, no matter the technique, makes those soldiers undead. There’s no two ways about it.”

Nagash has submitted papers to Azyr, demanding the Alliances of Order and Destruction cease use of necromantic ‘rallying’ rituals, asserting that their use falls solely within the boundaries of Death and can’t be used without permission. The Ossiarch Bonesolicitors are currently investigating its use by Chaos, specifically whether it meets the ‘Daemonic Shenanigans’ test which would allow its use there.

Opponents of Nagash have not taken the accusation well, immediately listing reasons why rallying does not fall within the purview of necromancy. The list includes the lack of explicit wizardry, its availability to even magically-challenged races, and the suggestion that the targets of rallying are merely ‘having a rest’. The trial date is due to be set soon, and will be presided over by the well respected sage Lord Kroak.

Editor’s Note: We have just heard that Nagash has refused to deal with Lord Kroak, accusing the ancient Slann of being an ‘illegally undead frog’. Reportedly Sigmar is intending to nominate the Celestant-Prime as a replacement, a suggestion that has lead our reporters to preemptively evacuate the court room. We apologise for the inconvenience and will return to providing the news as soon as it is safe to do so.

Special Issue: Sigmar proclaims changes, Realms react

After weeks of anticipation and attempted prognostication, Sigmar has finally released his long awaited changes to the rules of war. Far from simply impacting the armies of Order, the proclamation has had wide-ranging effects for all factions.

Chaos is in an uproar, responding to rumours put out by Sigmar that Archaon is attempting to court all four gods at the same time. As a result each of the Powers’ personal armies are refusing to cooperate with the Everchosen, leaving him a lonely presence on the battlefield. The Slaves to Darkness have rallied behind their leader however, promising that he’ll always be their general, no matter what.

The hordes of Destruction are meanwhile celebrating, as Kragnos has powered up his Shield Inviolate. Grot Shamans, high off mathrooms, have calculated that he is now capable of shrugging off around one in every six attacks (a calculatory feat made possible only through the unique physiology of famed Fungoid Six Fingered Grop). 

The Sons of Behemat are feeling particularly morose however, as it was revealed that their continual clutching and passing around of the Amulet of Destiny has irreparably damaged its enchantments. The artefact now provides a much lower level of protection, much to the chagrin of those non-Gargantuan heroes who had hoped to use it.

The Mortarch of Grief is ascendant in the legions of Death, feeding off the misery of those unable to fully incorporate the notoriously fickle god Nagash into their armies. Her Nighthaunt seem to be the only deathly denizens happy with the situation, though we are still waiting to hear from our ghoul correspondent Juni the Succulent. If anyone has heard from her, please let us know.

The bastions of Order have on the whole reacted with indifference, aside from those who rely on ranged combat. News that missile troops will now only be permitted to unleash hell upon enemy combatants within spitting distance has been met with strong reactions. Auralan Sentinels in particular have begun to go on strike in protest, increasing the costs for any general hoping to field a unit in combat. Our correspondents have reported that the striking Sentinels are spending their time participating in archery competitions with Blissbarb Archers, who Sigmar now considers to be their equal. All reports indicate that the Sentinels are demolishing the competition, but the Blissbarbs seem to be enjoying themselves regardless.

Ironjawz victories lead to birth of Teraboss

Long considered a scourge on the Mortal Realms, Ironjawz mobs have been racking up victory after victory in recent weeks. This terrifying explosion of green-tinged violence has had an unexpected, though perhaps inevitable result; the creation of the Realms’ first Teraboss.

When we first put quill to parchment we were to report on the emergence of Gigabosses, each a monstrosity worth a thousand Megabosses. Unfortunately the Waaaagh! is never ending, and these beasts have birthed a Teraboss monstrosity after only two days of brutal victories.

Commentators have laid the blame squarely at the foot of Gore-grunta mobs of the Bloodtoofs tribe who, having recently discovered the sharpening powers of dragging their blades along stones, have become a terrifying prospect on the battlefield. Megabosses who tag along with these mobs are likely to find an easy path to victory and significant gains in both reputation and brawn. Naysayers have proposed that this may just be a flash in the pan, pointing to recent victories by the Nighthaunt and the Gloomspite Gitz. Suggestions that these factions may rise to challenge the Teraboss have been described as ‘lightly optimistic’ by the wider community.

For any readers who encounter the Teraboss in the wild, we recommend hiding if at all possible. If combat seems inevitable the best course of action is to recruit any of the local bands of Lumineth Sentinels who have become an increasingly common sight on the battlefields. If properly hidden behind a large rock, their magical arrowheads should be able to put the Teraboss down for good.