Authors rush to complete Battlescroll substitute

It has been over a month since the prophesied return of the Battlescroll, a powerful artefact published by Sigmar every quarter with the power to determine the fate of entire armies. Despair at first turned to frustration, but now to opportunity as wordsmiths around the Realms attempt to pen their own competing versions to fill the void.

“The cost to summon daemons of Nurgle is to drop by half,” declared the Buboescroll, a foul document penned by plague worshippers. “The resilience of rot flies is to be doubled, and the spell casting ability of all magical true-believers increased. Thanks be to the Grandfather!”

The Battleshell crafted by the Idoneth Deepkin adopted a similar tone, demanding an increase to the range of Namarti Reavers’ bows and the ability to change the tides of the aethersea at a whim. We have also been provided a calcified Bonescroll from Vokmortian of the Ossiarch Bonereapers, but unfortunately the list is simply too extensive to replicate here. 

We have yet to receive word from Sigmaron regarding the release date of the official Battlescroll, and there have been few hints upon which we could make our own predictions. However experts agree that it cannot be delayed for much longer, as every day it is not released the horde of angry grots demanding its arrival only grows angrier and more squig-filled.

Mortarch just out to cause trouble

Frustration tonight in the Realm of Death as Mannfred, Mortarch of Night, proves to be a continuous thorn in the side of anyone just trying to get on and have a good time.

“He’s always been a problem child,” admitted Arkhan, Mortarch of Sacrament and ex-pile of dust. “Just last week he was shadowing our top Wight Kings, prattling on about clocks. An absolute menace.”

This of course isn’t the only drama shrouding the maligned Mortarch, who has been exceptionally busy as of late – many of our readers may have experienced his polarising diatribes regarding the role of professional competition amongst the armies of the Mortal Realms. The ensuing debates started several small wars all on their own, a fact that reportedly had Mannfred in stitches.

When approached by our reporters Mannfred was unrepentant, denying his role in any of the latest conflicts. Instead he pointed to his fellow Mortarchs, insisting that their jealousy of his own reputation was motivating them to take drastic action to gain attention. The other Mortarchs fervently denied this claim, with Katakros apparently having no idea who Mannfred actually was.

Stormcast technically undead- Azyr in uproar

A pedantic scholar has done what centuries of work by the Ruinous Powers could not – completely undermined trust in Sigmar’s Stormcast Eternals. They have demonstrated that, by most measures, the Stormcast Eternals actually represent a form of undead necromancy. In the spirit of honest journalism, we have reprinted the accusation below.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the living dead possess the following qualities:

  • They were at one point living beings
  • They at some point suffered a death to their mortal bodies
  • A portion of their self has been shackled for use by a powerful wizard or magical energy beyond their natural lifespan

It pains me to my core to say this, but Sigmar Heldenhammer, blessed be his name, has been tricked by the wicked necromancer Nagash and employed these dark magicks in the defence of Azyr! We can demonstrate this as follows:

  • All Stormcast Eternals profess to have begun their existence as living beings
  • If the heralds are to be believed, all Stormcast Eternals had their souls snatched away at the moment of their slaying by the foes of Sigmar
  • This soul has been reforged by Sigmar into a form utterly in thrall to his wishes

We beseech all true believers to strike back against these ghoulish horrors, and stop the pollution of the sacred ground of Azyr. Pray that Sigmar sees the error of his ways before it is too late!

ATTENTION READER. THE PRECEEDING TEXT HAS BEEN DEEMED HERETICAL BY THE LORD-CENSOR. REPORT TO THE LOCAL CRUSADE RECRUITMENT OFFICER TO PROVE YOUR LOYALTY IMMEDIATELY.