Flesh-eater Courts misread memo, attempt rank-and-flank

Recent rumours of an Old World revival have taken the Mortal Realms by storm. Chivalrous knights in particular have been inspired by the news but, due to a series of unfortunate miscommunications, the rumours have been wildly misinterpreted by the Flesh-eater Courts, who have begun to rank up like the mighty armies of yore.

The move has been met by bemusement by many of the ghouls’ rivals, who are used to their eccentric behaviour.

“Yeah, it happens pretty often,” confided a regular opponent of the Flesh-eaters. “Sometimes they’ll bring out this big battle standard and try to join up with the Soulblight, sometimes they’ll assemble their army according to some arcane percentage-based system. They normally get sick of it pretty quickly though.”

We sent our reporters to survey the ghouls, and they wrote back describing great wheeling formations of squares and wedges. Their account also included descriptions of violent arguments erupting over how many degrees different regiments had shifted or the approach made by adversaries as they charged into flanks. Whether the Flesh-eater Courts will stick with this style of maneuver or return to a more civilized mode of war remains to be seen.

Nagash’s purchase of Squeekr continues to embarrass

Some time has passed since Nagash purchased Skaven communication medium Squeekr after an ill-advised boast, but time has not made him wiser. The Supreme Necromancer has continued to make error after error as he attempts to navigate Squeekr’s twisted warrens.

His first gaffe was removing the byzantine restrictions the Council of Thirteen had placed on Squeekr, instead opening the gates to any who wished to join. A dig at Sigmar’s historic closing of the gates of Azyr, the system was immediately flooded by hordes of Orruks yelling “Waaagh!” until the restrictions could be reinstated months later.

A more recent error was the adjustment of the system of warpstone tokens labeling users of notable pedigree. Instead, Nagash promised that any individual could instead pay to receive a token of their own. Although this saw some early support, the numbers quickly dropped, with those bearing a token becoming an immediate target of Eshin assassins. Nagash implemented a system that provided an option to hide the possession of a token, but subscribers continue to live in fear.

Whether we have seen the last of Nagash is unknown, but experts consider it unlikely as the death god continues to try and recuperate losses sustained during the Necroquake. Rumours have begun to circulate that Nagash operates a secret, alternate Squeekr handle named Lil’ Siggy which he uses to impersonate a juvenile alter-ego of the God-King as a sort of stress relief. We will bring you further updates as they happen.

Citizens urged to avoid Nurgle-produced pro-biotic yoghurt

Health-conscious shoppers are being encouraged to exercise due diligence when doing their weekly shop. In particular, people are being urged to avoid a new range of yoghurt, named Bloab’s Best, which despite promising numerous health benefits has been determined to deliver anything but.

“The marketing isn’t deceitful in the strictest sense,” admitted an official in the know. “So long as you are happy identifying some frankly devastating diarrhea as a sign of a ‘super-charged digestive system’.”

The Maggotkin of Nurgle have taken issue with the warning, complaining of misuse of the food safety regime for political ends. “Bloab’s Best is exactly what it says on the punnet – a fruity mix of specially selected cultures designed to give your health system a kick up the rear,” insisted a spokesdaemon.

Citizens who have already purchased the product are asked to burn it immediately. Those who have already consumed it are encouraged to contact their local Order of Azyr who will be able to walk you through the sanctioned funeral options.