Pink Horrors rated least horrific daemon

It has been a tough time for the Horrors of Tzeentch as of late. Not only have they received widespread derision and hostility due to their multiplicitive nature on the battlefield, but they have also just been awarded Least Horrific Daemon by the Azyrite Order of Daemonologists.

“Ultimately what you’ve got is a ball with teeth and limbs,” explained one of the voting members. “And sometimes those limbs have bangles. When you’re up against the necrotic Plaguebearers or hideous Daemonettes, it’s really no contest.”

Tzeentch has been deeply unsettled by the news, and is currently deep within the Crystal Labyrinth taking council from Kairos Fateweaver. The aim is to quickly escalate the horrific nature of Horrors and make them Realm-leading in the field. According to anonymous sources, the most likely path involves equipping them with a powerful ranged attack.

Khorne institutes controversial blood offering guidelines

After aeons of caring not from whence the blood flowed, Khorne has recently announced a list of restrictions on how and from where blood should be sourced. Exalted Spokesdaemons have laid the blame on low quality blood corrupting the purity of proper sacrifices, and explained the rules are to encourage an overall higher quality of offering.

A selection of the rules are as follows:

  • No ‘blood’ extracted from Nighthaunt.
  • No blood oozed from buboes, welts from barbed whips, or paper cuts inflicted from arcane tomes.
  • No donors who were living in Shyish during the Necroquake. 
  • No aethergold, Aqua Ghyranis, or any other metaphorical lifeblood from any living faction.
  • No previously dried blood mixed with water. Khorne can tell the difference.

Any followers wishing to lodge feedback regarding the changes are encouraged to strap an axe at neck height onto a suitably sturdy surface and run at it at full speed.

Rival Slaanesh worshippers caught in infinite temptation loop

What was originally a simple skirmish between two Slaaneshi warlords has now escalated into a conflict of apocalyptic proportions as each warrior offers and in turn immediately accepts forbidden temptations from their rival.

“It’s not meant to go like this,” confided Lushir Pillowtalker, one of the two warlords. “Normally I offer them pleasures beyond imagination, they accept, and I become empowered by Slaanesh. They’re not supposed to do it back to me!”

There seems to be little hope of a speedy conclusion to the situation, as both warriors continue to summon endless hordes of Daemonettes and Keepers of Secrets. A suggestion that they simply stop giving in to temptation was quickly laughed off, with the two agreeing that they didn’t become Slaanesh worshippers because they were good at saying ‘no’.