Authorities warn of hidden ‘Clown Dimension’

Pamphlets have been distributed amongst the mystical covens of the Realms, warning would-be wizards of the dangers of the newly discovered Clown Dimension.

“Be Warned,” begins the pamphlet, written in a very serious font. “The Collegiate Arcane has evidence that there is a world besides our own, separated from us only by the thinnest of barriers. This realm, our augurs show, is becoming increasingly overrun by a faction of murderous, rabid clowns. We are confident that you recognise the danger of the situation.”

Practitioners of magic are urged to follow the following rules, in order to prevent the Clown Dimension from crossing into our own:

  • When casting spells, wear clothing with solid colours. Bright patterns, particularly those involving diamonds, are to be avoided.
  • Avoid using puns, sarcasm, or dramatic irony within 30 steps of any summoning circles.
  • Under absolutely no circumstances should you ever, ever advise a mysterious apparition that you are ‘down to clown’.

Failure to follow these instructions may lead to a clown invasion (also known as a ‘clownvasion’) which will impact the battlefields of the Mortal Realms for years to come. Readers are encouraged to stay strong during these troubled times, and approach things with a sense of calm and good humour grim resolve.

Resplendent daemonic horde faces monochromatic counterpart

Ul’katoosh, Lord of Change, has long been known throughout the Realms not only for their flawless generalship, but also for the incredibly high standard of their army’s appearance. It has come as little surprise then to hear that they have engaged in bitter combat with a rival, the greyscale legion of Tooshka’ul. 

A tale as old as time, Ul’katoosh has taken offence at their rival’s paucity of colour. According to those with first hand experience fighting for the Greater Daemon, they spend an extravagant amount of time polishing their minions’ armour, designing elaborate tattoos, and orchestrating waves of daemonic colour to create the most spectacular impression on the battlefield. The concept of an army completely devoid of vibrancy is abhorrent to the Lord of Change, thus sparking the violent conflict we see today.

It seems unlikely that the two Greater Daemons will find any common ground, and as time goes on daemonic allies from both sides are beginning to join the fray. We will bring you any updates as they occur, but this reporter is doubtful that anything can change.

Update: We are pleased to report that the unthinkable has happened. According to our sources the two Greater Daemons, previously committed to bellowing passionate threats at each other across the battlefield, took to talking during a lull in the fighting. We can exclusively report that Tooshka’ul, master of the colourless horde, complimented Ul’katoosh’s resplendent force and generalship, and revealed that he had only summoned his own army in order to have the chance to test wits against him in battle. Ul’katoosh graciously accepted the compliment and extended one in return, commending Tooshka’ul’s ability on the battlefield. He admitted that although he much prefers fighting a force as beautiful as his own, he had still enjoyed their melee a great deal. The two have shaken hands, promising to see each other once again. 

The Order of Azyr forbids any citizen of the Free Cities from learning lessons from the Daemons of Chaos.

Special Issue: Skink beats odds, slays metallic daemon

After an apocolyptic series of duels, melees, and catastrophic clashes of wit and skill, the skink chief Ga’in’ga’za has triumphed over the mythical beast known only as the Golden Daemon.

The result was a surprise to those who had predicted the battle to go to an individual of more imposing stature and brawn. However the combat was as much a contest of skill as it was of strength, and the clever skink was able to claim the prize through dexterous use of agility and refined technique.

When we approached Ga’in’ga’za in the wake of his victory, we asked for his response to those who said that his size meant that he didn’t deserve the win. Unfortunately our interpreter was unable to make it, so all we understood were the terms for ‘birthing parent’ and ‘the previous night’, followed by what we gathered was a laugh. Hopefully our readers at home can make sense of it.