Nagash demands Necromancer’s Day in wake of Women’s Day

Taking a break from his ancient grudge against Sigmar, Nagash has turned his wrath against the women of the Mortal Realms. Having been advised by Arkhan that the Realms have just celebrated a holiday recognising women from every walk of life, the Supreme Necromancer has immediately issued an edict demanding that all residents of Shyish observe an Interrealm Necromancer’s Day.

“This has been a long time coming,” announced Arkhan the Spokesliche. “No longer will necromancers, particularly supreme ones, go unrecognised for all their hard work.”

Detractors in Azyr have been quick to criticise the move. They have pointed out that Women’s Day is meant to celebrate a typically disadvantaged group whose work often goes unseen, rather than literal death gods. Arkhan has countered, stating that Sigmar has yet to recognise Nagash’s hard work in corralling the souls of the dead or their shepherding to the afterlife. He did not mention Nagash’s practice of conscripting these souls into his personal armies.

Khorne opens submissions for new word to replace blood-, skull-

After a decade of possessing well-established nomenclature, the Blood God is looking to shake things up. They have sent out a challenge to all the Realms: find a new word for Khorne to beat into the bloody ground.

An early favourite is haemo-, an old human word meaning ‘blood’. Supporters claim that it will add a bit of refinement to Khorne’s legions, though admit it lacks the clear messaging of its predecessors.

Some worshippers have thrown their support behind bone-, suggesting that it provides a neat synthesis between blood- and skull-. This suggestion is unlikely to be chosen though, due to legal threats from Nagash.

The most likely contender however, to the disappointment of many, is simply the word blood- again, but this time written in big capital letters. Khorne is reportedly pleased with the refreshed look, having changed his mind about the whole thing and declaring any sort of change to be dangerously Tzeentchian.

General unable to continue day two of battles due to sore back

Despite a day full of glory and success, Sir Reginald the fabled general has been unable to continue his campaign into a second day due to an increasingly sore back.

“I’m not as spry as I used to be,” admitted Reginald from his position lying flat on the ground. “War nowadays is a young kid’s game.” A quick survey shows that this is not an isolated problem, with many warlords indicating that they require a Parcetemal Potion™ or two to get through multiple days of battle.

We asked several physicians and Ghyranite wizards for their opinion, and their responses were varied. Many recommended adopting regular stretches and exercise into one’s routine, or wearing supportive footwear. Some also suggested generals bring themselves closer to the battlefield, so as to avoid excessive leaning forward while giving orders. A select few however rejected these practical tips, and instead encouraged generals to engage in nightlong benders in between battles. Supposedly this will recharge the energies of the general, allowing them to function at full effectiveness the next day.

Editor’s note: Since publishing this article we went to double check with the previously mentioned wizards, who confirmed that a night of drinking was likely a terrible idea but would certainly distract attention from any back complaints.