“Just as planned” – Infuriating Tzeentch wizard refuses to take the L

A Tzeentch Fatemaster is shown in a collection of lethal situations, laughing in each one.

The schemes of Tzeentchian warlord Ponk Roseye, never the most satisfying of opponents, have taken a horrendous turn as they refuse to admit to even the smallest of defeats. At first this affectation was seen as a charming quirk, but has quickly spiraled out of control.

“It used to be, ‘Oh, you got me,’ or maybe an ‘Aw shucks’ but now he cackles and insists it’s all part of some grand scheme. It takes all the fun out of war,” complained long-suffering opponent Kragnan the Blood Dripper.

It is unclear whether this is a genuine belief of Roseye’s, or instead an effort to boost their self-esteem after a series of embarrassing defeats. The Weekly has asked Roseye how many more ‘victories’ their forces can hope to sustain before total annihilation, and whether this too is ‘part of the plan’. They have declined to comment.

“Ruining our sweet style” – Nagash objects to unearthing of Khemri legions

Nagash has rejected the early buzz surrounding the return of the Tomb Kings, accusing them of ruining the aesthetic quality he has recently cultivated amongst his undead legions.

“The Supreme Necromancer has poured an immense amount of time and energy into making undead constructs look the best they possibly can,” explained Nagash’s spokesliche Arkhan the Black. “These so-called Tomb Kings appearing with fists larger than their skulls and horses with prominent bone-tails makes a laughing-stock of all of Death.”

Some individuals have attempted to defend the Tomb Kings’ appearance, arguing that they are a product of their time and possess a certain ‘retro charm’. Nagash’s supporters are unconvinced, insisting that being dead is not an excuse to ignore the latest fashion trends.

We sought comment from Settra, leader of the Tomb Kings, but he was not willing to provide any comment. At the first mention of Nagash’s name he began violently attacking our journalist, bellowing at his attendants to “release the scarabs”. We will bring you an update on the journalist’s medical condition shortly.

Orruks not green, just envious

Shock in the Mortal Realms this week as researchers in Azyr make an earth-shaking discovery – orruks are not naturally green, but are instead made that way due to their fundamentally envious nature.

The finding was made after an orruk was given the loudest firearm available from the Ironweld Arsenal, the fastest mount to be found in Hysh, and a pair of stilts which made him as tall as a mega-gargant. Upon receiving these goods the orruk’s skin immediately faded to a gentle lavender, and the orruk adopted a pleasant demeanour.

The implications are tremendous but application on the field has proven troubling, since only a single orruk can possibly be pacified this way at a single time. Efforts have instead pivoted to encouraging orruks to compare themselves against internal goals, rather than against their peers. However, just like their human counterparts, orruks have struggled to adopt this mindset and have instead taken to trying to prove their mindfulness through ritual bouts of ‘meditation’. That these often devolve into headbutting contests to prove who has the ‘strongest head’ has not filled Azyrite scholars with hope.