Special Issue: Sigmar proclaims changes, Realms react

After weeks of anticipation and attempted prognostication, Sigmar has finally released his long awaited changes to the rules of war. Far from simply impacting the armies of Order, the proclamation has had wide-ranging effects for all factions.

Chaos is in an uproar, responding to rumours put out by Sigmar that Archaon is attempting to court all four gods at the same time. As a result each of the Powers’ personal armies are refusing to cooperate with the Everchosen, leaving him a lonely presence on the battlefield. The Slaves to Darkness have rallied behind their leader however, promising that he’ll always be their general, no matter what.

The hordes of Destruction are meanwhile celebrating, as Kragnos has powered up his Shield Inviolate. Grot Shamans, high off mathrooms, have calculated that he is now capable of shrugging off around one in every six attacks (a calculatory feat made possible only through the unique physiology of famed Fungoid Six Fingered Grop). 

The Sons of Behemat are feeling particularly morose however, as it was revealed that their continual clutching and passing around of the Amulet of Destiny has irreparably damaged its enchantments. The artefact now provides a much lower level of protection, much to the chagrin of those non-Gargantuan heroes who had hoped to use it.

The Mortarch of Grief is ascendant in the legions of Death, feeding off the misery of those unable to fully incorporate the notoriously fickle god Nagash into their armies. Her Nighthaunt seem to be the only deathly denizens happy with the situation, though we are still waiting to hear from our ghoul correspondent Juni the Succulent. If anyone has heard from her, please let us know.

The bastions of Order have on the whole reacted with indifference, aside from those who rely on ranged combat. News that missile troops will now only be permitted to unleash hell upon enemy combatants within spitting distance has been met with strong reactions. Auralan Sentinels in particular have begun to go on strike in protest, increasing the costs for any general hoping to field a unit in combat. Our correspondents have reported that the striking Sentinels are spending their time participating in archery competitions with Blissbarb Archers, who Sigmar now considers to be their equal. All reports indicate that the Sentinels are demolishing the competition, but the Blissbarbs seem to be enjoying themselves regardless.

Bilepiper branches into daemonic mainstream

Breaking news from our music correspondents as we can exclusively reveal that Gloptrop of the Bloatful Tunes, Realms-famous Bilepiper, has dropped his contract with Nurgle and started his transition into becoming a conventional artist.

“It was a definite risk, for sure,” Gloptrop told our reporters. “But I was dying to express my own truth, not just the Grandfather’s, you know? You can only blast dirges to Plaguebearers for so long until you lose your sense of purpose.”

Rumours have it that the musician has been sighted at the famous Bone Abbey recording studio in Shyish, though the Ossiarch Tunekeepers that staff the facility have remained tight lipped. Gloptrop’s publicist has described the upcoming album as ‘an exploration of life-after-plague, delving into the full spectrum of daemonic emotion’. Glotrop’s traditional gutpipes will be joined with Khornate blooddrums, a Slaaneshi screamharp, and an arcane Tzeentchian instrument known as a Moog synthesiser (named for a particularly musical Lord of Change, R’birt Moog).

Innocent but smelly individual conscripted into Blightking ranks

Humiliation amongst the Blightkings today as it is revealed that Sumpson Rottoe is not a sworn worshiper of the Plague God, but instead a particularly odorous individual who got press-ganged by accident.

“I was just sitting outside my farm house playing a game of Battlesword when they came,” Rottoe confided exclusively to the Azyr Weekly from a safe distance. “A column of the fellows came marching up, gave me a sniff, and started burbling at me. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just nodded and grunted back. Next thing I know they were tossing me spare bits of armour and pulling me into line with them. It was all downhill from there really.”

This is not an uncommon experience amongst the Plague Legions, according to experts, with many worshippers rendered blind by disease or particularly aggressive flies. For individuals not wishing to be conscripted into the Bubonic Battalions, the Order of Azyr recommends regular bathing and the wearing of anti-odour liquids purchasable from your local apothecary.