‘WhackChop’ technique continues to prove controversial

For several months Gordrakk, the Fist of Gork, has been spreading word of the ‘WhackChop’, a method of fighting he insists makes the krumping of enemies magnitudes easier than traditional techniques. Despite, or perhaps because of, the popularity of the WhackChop there has been steady resistance from parts of the martial community. This has erupted in recent days, seeing Gordrakk criticised by several commentators through the mystical medium of Squeeker.

“It’s just chopping heads off!” protested one pundit. “It’s an altercation ending with a decapitation. Do we really need to simplify everything down to phrases an Orruk could grasp?” Gordrakk has pushed back, insisting that he didn’t claim to invent anything new but just thought “da boyz would find da techniquez useful” and that “it was all a bit of a larf”.

As we go to print events continue to escalate, with an ex-editor of the Hammerhal Herald implying that Grodrakk’s philosophy is similar to the one that brought about the Age of Chaos. The conflict appears to only be empowering Gordrakk however, who apparently intends to use his detractors to draw more followers to his Waaagh!

Disciples of Tzeentch, Lumineth scry future, call off battle due to foregone conclusion

A highly anticipated battle between the forces of Teclis and Tzeentch was called off at the last minute today as seers from both sides have agreed on the inevitable outcome before it could begin.

“Ultimately it saves us a lot of hassle,” confirmed the Magister in charge of the Tzeentchian host. “We’ve foreseen the inevitable casualty rates, strategic manoeuvres, and all the associated twists and turns. So instead of getting all worked up we’ve decided to take the day off.”

The decision has been welcomed by the soldiery who would have had to risk life and limb in the battle. The top brass back home however are less pleased, and feel robbed of the drama only a high-stakes clash can provide. They have sent orders that those soldiers destined to fall in battle be executed anyway to add a little excitement to the day, a request the armies are less than thrilled about.

Sigmar forbids entry into Golden Demon, cites daemonic influence

After a weekend celebrating creative expression and artistic perfection, painters of the Mortal Realms have been blindsided by a declaration from Sigmar forbidding them from entering the vaunted Golden Demon competition.

“It should have happened much sooner,” confirmed an insider close to Sigmar. “It’s right in the name. The Golden Demon? We should have been arresting people years ago.”

Supporters have brushed off the accusation, claiming that the name is just an edgy, attention-getting name playing on the phrase ‘the devil is in the details’. However they have been unable to explain why the winner of the event is given a replica of Archaon’s infamous weapon ‘the Slayer of Kings’.

If you know somebody that competed in or visited the Golden Demon competition, be on the lookout for the following signs:

The possession of demonic iconography, potentially referred to as ‘finalist pins’
Displaying the ability to discern shades of colour invisible to a mortal eye
Discussing with fellow attendees how to take their work to the ‘next level’ (presumably referring to the tiers of favour offered by their ruinous patrons)

Should your friend or loved one begin showing any of these symptoms, it is your duty to alert the Order of Azyr immediately.