New generation of Chaos Warrior outclasses old with improved armour, poses

Angst amongst the Slaves to Darkness this week as the dark hordes prepare to welcome a new generation of stronger, meaner, and flashier Warriors.

“Used to be all you needed was a suit of armour and a sharp sword,” said Gornar Goodchewer, Chaos Warrior. “Now they’re turning up with glowing runes, chiselled jaws, and dynamic stances. Posers…”

This new generation of hellish infantry has reportedly delighted Archaon, who has broadened the initiative to include the Chaos Chosen, Chaos Knights, and assorted heroes. Chaos Marauders have been forbidden from joining the project, supposedly due to the pleasure Archaon feels watching them struggle under their unlikely physique.

Authors rush to complete Battlescroll substitute

It has been over a month since the prophesied return of the Battlescroll, a powerful artefact published by Sigmar every quarter with the power to determine the fate of entire armies. Despair at first turned to frustration, but now to opportunity as wordsmiths around the Realms attempt to pen their own competing versions to fill the void.

“The cost to summon daemons of Nurgle is to drop by half,” declared the Buboescroll, a foul document penned by plague worshippers. “The resilience of rot flies is to be doubled, and the spell casting ability of all magical true-believers increased. Thanks be to the Grandfather!”

The Battleshell crafted by the Idoneth Deepkin adopted a similar tone, demanding an increase to the range of Namarti Reavers’ bows and the ability to change the tides of the aethersea at a whim. We have also been provided a calcified Bonescroll from Vokmortian of the Ossiarch Bonereapers, but unfortunately the list is simply too extensive to replicate here.

We have yet to receive word from Sigmaron regarding the release date of the official Battlescroll, and there have been few hints upon which we could make our own predictions. However experts agree that it cannot be delayed for much longer, as every day it is not released the horde of angry grots demanding its arrival only grows angrier and more squig-filled.

Ironjaw overly dependent on mount, unable to move without it

A case of suffering from success today as Big Gruk, Ironjaw, has finally admitted that he is unable to move without the assistance of his semi-loyal grunta Chompz.

His mates’ suspicions were first aroused when Big Gruk refused to get off his grunta to eat, insisting that he’d get something later, only for them to come back later and see him nibbling tics and parasites off of Chompz’ back. Even more suspect was his refusal to engage in the traditional daily brawl, instead arguing that they should transition to a jousting-based tussle.

“It’s a sad but not uncommon situation,” confirmed military counsellor Sig Freudman. “It can happen with any mounted warrior from any faction. After continued success on the back of a daemonic beast, rot fly, or even a gore-grunta, the individual feels insecure in their ability to win without that assistance. So they simply feel that they cannot function without it.”

If our readers recognise these signs in their friends and family, you do not need to take any drastic action. It is important that you simply assure them that they are feared and respected, no matter what they have between their legs.