Skaven increasingly doubt existence of man-things

Rumours abound in the underburrows of a race of creatures living on the surface world, standing on two-legs like a Skaven but relatively hairless and without a tail. Named ‘humans’ by those on the fringe of decent Skaven society, there is a rising pushback from those who deny their very existence.

“Elf-things? Sure-sure. Ghost-things? I’ve heard of them. But man-things? I don’t know any Skaven that’s seen one in the skin-flesh.”

True believers in humanity’s existence have struggled to provide any evidence to support their claim. The existence of the Stormcast Eternals is well-known within Skavendom, but their similarities to the proposed human form have been brushed off as a coincidence given their clearly magical providence. So-called human worshippers of Chaos have been labelled ‘low-tier daemons’, and the skeletal legions of the Soulblight are considered to have been formed from the bones of short and ugly aelfs. 

One group of Skaven, the Clan-Pack for Proof-Finding of Man-Things, have scrounged together enough warpstone to fund an expedition to the surface to locate one of the fabled Cities of Sigmar. These metropolises, reportedly jam-packed full of humans, are considered by the group to be their best bet in proving the existence of humanity.

Update: We have just received word that the Skaven delegation have vanished without a trace. The Clan-Pack claim that they were intercepted and destroyed by scouts from Hammerhal Aqsha, their intended destination, pointing to a conspiracy to keep humanity’s existence secret. Their detractors have suggested the group merely took the warpstone and ran.

Skaven council meets to discuss critical issues

The Council of Thirteen, the cabal that claims rulership over all of Skavendom, has met in Blight City today in one of their semi-regular conclaves to discuss the issues that affect all Skaven.

Our Skaven correspondent received a copy of the meeting’s agenda, written on paper imbued with toxic warpstone dust. After sourcing a pair of gloves rated for handling the material, none of which could be found in the city, we were able to verify the contents of the paper and transcribe the core details for you below. Some notes have also been included, which appear to represent scratchings made by our Grey Seer source.

Agenda-List for Council Meeting 

Location: Top of Rot-Wood Tower (Note: Scaffolding may be used by Eshin sneak-killers – Remove!)

Absent: Supreme Moulder Fank (burnt, remains fed to Broodmothers)

Item One-First

  • Thank-praise Supreme Moulder Fank for invention of self-combusting rats. 

Item Two-Second

  • List-find assassinations ordered by Council, check against quota. If too low, ask-demand volunteers.

Item Three-Third

  • Consider request-plead from Clans Skryre to allow Warlock-Bombardiers to overcharge Warp Lightning Cannons. (Note: If no warptokens received from clans, delay item until received)

Item Four-Fourth 

Item Five-Fifth

  • Discuss flooding, hole bored into Khaptar Sea. Consider Skryre proposal to drill-dig hole into Aqshy lava field, cancel flooding out

Item Six-Sixth

  • Accept bribe-tribute from Clans Pestilens (Note: Wash warpstone before eating)

Item Seven-Seventh

  • Break for lunch-snack

Item Eight-Eighth

  • Update on Shyish expedition, progress in capturing vampire alive dead undead. Confirm with Clans Moulder possibility of vampire rats.

Item Nine-Ninth

  • Discuss fundraising ideas for Great Horned Rat’s public relations campaign #TrueRealGodofChaos

Item Ten-Tenth

  • Confirm delay in upgrading Clans Eshin equipment until apology received for assassinating Grey Seer Krit.

Item Eleven-Eleventh

  • Receive progress report on Queekish dictionary (Note: Try remove reliance on double-twice word use)

Item Twelve-Twelth

  • Consider proposal from Clans Skryre to issue Clanrats with brass orbs, doom rockets, other weapons of mass-mass destruction.

Item Thirteen-Thirteenth

  • Discuss why Skaven plans keep blowing up in our face

Skaven Deathmaster tries yoga, finally chills out

Celebration in the Under-empire today as Deatmaster Katch, notorious assassin of the Clans Eshin, marks 100 days without flipping out and killing everybody nearby. His fellow clanmates have labelled the achievement as the hard-won result of months of mediation, gentle exercise, and aromatherapy.

“Katch always mean, always want to stab-kill,” confirmed an anonymous source close to the Deathmaster. “Any second, Katch go on kill-spree, murder ally-mates. Very hard to plan sneak-heist.”

The turning point came last year when Katch came close to igniting a war between the Masterclan and his own, stopped only by the selfless sacrifice of 273 clanrats diving between him and a passing Grey Seer. At this point the situation could no longer be ignored by the shadowy masters of his clan, and he was quickly chained up and hauled away to their hidden fortress nestled between the Realms.

The relaxation regime was reportedly rigorous and thorough, utilising forbidden methods from the secret corners of both Hysh and Ulgu. Experimental yoga techniques, a sort of body-magic stolen from the Lumineth, were employed with exciting results, producing a more relaxed and flexible assassin. At the urging of the Clans Skryre warpstone facemasks were used for the first time as well, and were able to generate a more youthful appearance in the Deathmaster. Jade eggs were also imported, but their application proved difficult and was eventually abandoned.

As Eshin celebrates this exciting new development in Deatmaster training, we can exclusively report that the Masterclan have been exploring its capacity as a potential revenue stream. We encourage our readers to exercise caution when visiting their local beautician, and avoid any day spa that accepts warpstone as payment.