Skaven Deathmaster tries yoga, finally chills out

Celebration in the Under-empire today as Deatmaster Katch, notorious assassin of the Clans Eshin, marks 100 days without flipping out and killing everybody nearby. His fellow clanmates have labelled the achievement as the hard-won result of months of mediation, gentle exercise, and aromatherapy.

“Katch always mean, always want to stab-kill,” confirmed an anonymous source close to the Deathmaster. “Any second, Katch go on kill-spree, murder ally-mates. Very hard to plan sneak-heist.”

The turning point came last year when Katch came close to igniting a war between the Masterclan and his own, stopped only by the selfless sacrifice of 273 clanrats diving between him and a passing Grey Seer. At this point the situation could no longer be ignored by the shadowy masters of his clan, and he was quickly chained up and hauled away to their hidden fortress nestled between the Realms.

The relaxation regime was reportedly rigorous and thorough, utilising forbidden methods from the secret corners of both Hysh and Ulgu. Experimental yoga techniques, a sort of body-magic stolen from the Lumineth, were employed with exciting results, producing a more relaxed and flexible assassin. At the urging of the Clans Skryre warpstone facemasks were used for the first time as well, and were able to generate a more youthful appearance in the Deathmaster. Jade eggs were also imported, but their application proved difficult and was eventually abandoned.

As Eshin celebrates this exciting new development in Deatmaster training, we can exclusively report that the Masterclan have been exploring its capacity as a potential revenue stream. We encourage our readers to exercise caution when visiting their local beautician, and avoid any day spa that accepts warpstone as payment.

Gnawholes to be made ‘Doomwheel accessible’

After a concerted campaign by the Clans Skryre, and several unrelated yet catastrophic explosions throughout Blight City, the Masterclan have caved to the warlocks’ demands. All Skaven barracks, warrens, and Gnawholes are now required to be accessible via ramps strong enough to carry the weight of a fully operational Doomwheel.

The ramps, once constructed, will provide an easy mode of travel through the Under-Empire for those warlock-engineers who have wired themselves directly into Doomwheels. Previously this could only be achieved through the backbreaking labour of clanrats, who would have to haul the contraptions up stairs or through Gnawholes themselves. Despite the relative affordability of a functioning clanrat, warlock-engineers would rather spend their clanrat-allowance on the testing of cutting-edge weaponry thus leaving them isolated from the wider community.

The move has been something of a no-brainer by some, allowing as it does a significant portion of Skavendom to reclaim their place in society. By taking this fairly simple step, explain the experts, Skavendom can now enjoy a greater level of participation from all rats, which can already be seen in increased Stormfiend production and a more thorough integration of Warpstone Spark technology into the Council of Thirteen’s plots. The fact that the Skaven did not realise this sooner is described as testament to their selfish and divisive ways.

Editor’s note: We have been asked by the Order of Azyr to request that our readers stop petitioning Sigmar for written copies of his proclamations. Citizens unable to hear the announcements of the Knights-Heraldor are suggested to engage the services of an interpreter. Due to the ongoing wars in Ghur, no subsidies will be provided.