Gnomad trail goes off course, passes through Varanspire

Confusion in the Eightpoints today as Archaon and his Varanguard bore witness to a Gnomad caravan crashing directly through the Varanspire. Taken completely by surprise the Herald of the Apocolypse was unable to take any retributive action, staring dumbfounded as the Feastmasters herded their charges along the trail and straight through his supposedly impenetrable defences.

The situation is nigh unprecedented, with Chaos scholars unable to explain the cause. The Gnomad trails, magical arteries of life that course through the Realms, were thrown into disarray during the Necroquake and have reportedly gone off course with increasing regularity. However this is the first reported instance of a trail passing so near to the Realm of Chaos. 

The Gnomads reportedly took the encounter with stoic determination, keeping their heads down as they trudged on through the Chaotic stronghold. This comes as no surprise to the few experts who specialise in the near-mythical race. We spoke to Feastmaster expert Warren Datsonn for more:

“The Gnomads take two things seriously; food, and their duty on the trails. It is their job to guide the wildlife of the Realms along these paths, whether that’s to take them to greener pastures, ancestral breeding grounds, or anything of the sort. If the Everchosen didn’t take any action against the Feastmasters, then I’m sure they would have just kept to themselves and kept going.”

The Varanguard are currently engaged in cleaning up after the procession, repairing the rubble left by the passage of rugged crag-ibexes and sturdy caravans. Particular damage has been down to the fortress’ granaries, with much of the Varanspire’s stores purloined by intrepid Trail Thieves. Whether the food is considered palatable by the Gnomads is anybody’s guess, though Archaon can be assured that anything not fit for the table will be returned via Gnomad Hot Pot should the trail ever pass that way again.

(Editor’s Note: Like what you’ve read? Check out the beta version of Battletome: Gnomad Feastmasters and other details here.)

Lumineth general concedes defeat, deploys army half-coloured

It has been a trying few weeks for Lord Regent Uthralle as he attempts to muster an army for the upcoming Battle of the Frothing Bay. After spending a small fortune assembling the needed soldiery and associated heroes, Uthralle has been struck by the bane of all Realm-lords – the overengineering of the Lumineth uniform.

“Moulded-on runes were a mistake,” lamented the Lord-Regent, paintbrush and masking tape in hand. “And these delicate lengths of trim? You can’t even see them from a distance. Absolute waste of time.”

Lumineth agents have been dispatched across the Realms to try and find a solution to their aesthetic problem. Several successful exchanges have already taken place with the ethereal Nighthaunt, who have demonstrated their trend of dressing in a single, smooth gradient. Meetings with the Stormcast Eternals have delved into the idea of disguising aelves as if they were entirely made of rock, exciting the Alarith Stonemages but otherwise insulting the aelves’ sense of style.

Until adjustments are able to be made Teclis has begun petitioning the other gods for some leeway, proposing a ‘casual Friday’ for battles conducted at the end of a work week. He faces a frosty reception however, and may be regretting smiting many of his fellow deities with Purple Suns over the past month.

Kharadron Overlord profits up despite grot boycott

The annual profit reports issued by the Geldraad council are appointment reading for the economists of the Realms, representing the total gross revenue streams of all the skyports pledged to the Kharadron Code. Today’s report represents another success for the Kharadron, showing continued profit despite heavy economic headwinds. The finding has generated some surprise in the wider community, but none are more shocked than the Cutbait Grots – a confederation of grots dedicated to fulfilling prophecies of the skyports’ demise.

Microboss Loudnag, leader of the confederation, has refused to comment on the news. They have instead locked themselves away with their most trusted followers, presumably poring over the reports in minute detail to uncover some hidden disaster. Rumours have it that Loudnag is only able to sustain his current standard of living (most famously being able to afford two pet squigs and as many shrooms as he can snort) through the donations of the faithful, an income stream that may dry up should the prophecies prove without substance.

“He probably just has to be patient,” advised financial commentator Helg Shortcall. “Profits rise and fall, and it’s just a matter of time until the Geldraad has an unprofitable year, or at the very least a less-profitable one. If Loudnag can last until then, he can jump back in guns blazing.”

Editor’s note: As we go to print Loudnag has issued his response, proclaiming that the Geldraad’s profit increased at a rate slower than the annual rate of inflation, thus representing an actual loss. Although shaky, the statement appears to have shored up his congregation and they seem as confident as ever of the Kharadron Overlords’ imminent downfall.