Despite a devastating defeat at the Battle of Battered Roofs, the Hammers of Sigmar have recently performed a victory parade through Azyrheim. The ceremony concluded with a speech by Sigmar praising the qualities of his favoured Stormhost, and each Stormcast present was awarded with a medal for their participation. This has caused an uproar amongst the forces of Order, with claims of favouritism and preferential treatment rampant.
Sigmar has pushed back against the accusations, insisting that the awards play an important part in the morale and esprit d’corps of the Stormcast. He has refused to comment on suggestions that Freeguild soldiers in contrast are only issued “You Did Alright” certificates after the most heroic of battlefield achievements.
Nagash has been quick to join Sigmar’s accusers, and has laid the blame squarely at the God-King’s feet for what he considers a weak, coddled population. The Supreme Necromancer has proudly proclaimed that he has never handed out participation trophies himself, except on one occasion to Mannfred after the vampire suffered a particularly humiliating loss to the Halfling Gnomads of the Curet Trail.
Despite a day full of glory and success, Sir Reginald the fabled general has been unable to continue his campaign into a second day due to an increasingly sore back.
“I’m not as spry as I used to be,” admitted Reginald from his position lying flat on the ground. “War nowadays is a young kid’s game.” A quick survey shows that this is not an isolated problem, with many warlords indicating that they require a Parcetemal Potion™ or two to get through multiple days of battle.
We asked several physicians and Ghyranite wizards for their opinion, and their responses were varied. Many recommended adopting regular stretches and exercise into one’s routine, or wearing supportive footwear. Some also suggested generals bring themselves closer to the battlefield, so as to avoid excessive leaning forward while giving orders. A select few however rejected these practical tips, and instead encouraged generals to engage in nightlong benders in between battles. Supposedly this will recharge the energies of the general, allowing them to function at full effectiveness the next day.
Editor’s note: Since publishing this article we went to double check with the previously mentioned wizards, who confirmed that a night of drinking was likely a terrible idea but would certainly distract attention from any back complaints.
The animal right’s group RUFF (Realm-wide Union for Feral Friends) has today issued a reminder to the Deepkin enclaves in the wake of increasing rates of Leviadon abandonment.
“Every aelf should know that the adoption of a Leviadon is a serious undertaking, requiring decades of training,” said the document, written in specially made water-proof ink. “And beyond this, a healthy Leviadon can expect to live for hundreds and hundreds of years. They are not a commitment to be taken lightly.”
The issue has not only caught the attention of the RUFF, but many other institutions as well. Military leaders from around the Realms, alarmed by rumours of Eshin Deathmasters training abandoned Leviadons in martial arts, have joined forces to demand a licensing regime to ensure only dedicated enclaves are able to adopt or breed the creatures.
The Deepkin have predictably pushed back at this idea, demanding that the Stormcast first set their own house in order and clean up the horde of dragons let loose over the past two years after their battlefield efficiency dwindled. Sigmar has yet to respond.