Stormcast technically undead- Azyr in uproar

A pedantic scholar has done what centuries of work by the Ruinous Powers could not – completely undermined trust in Sigmar’s Stormcast Eternals. They have demonstrated that, by most measures, the Stormcast Eternals actually represent a form of undead necromancy. In the spirit of honest journalism, we have reprinted the accusation below.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the living dead possess the following qualities:

  • They were at one point living beings
  • They at some point suffered a death to their mortal bodies
  • A portion of their self has been shackled for use by a powerful wizard or magical energy beyond their natural lifespan

It pains me to my core to say this, but Sigmar Heldenhammer, blessed be his name, has been tricked by the wicked necromancer Nagash and employed these dark magicks in the defence of Azyr! We can demonstrate this as follows:

  • All Stormcast Eternals profess to have begun their existence as living beings
  • If the heralds are to be believed, all Stormcast Eternals had their souls snatched away at the moment of their slaying by the foes of Sigmar
  • This soul has been reforged by Sigmar into a form utterly in thrall to his wishes

We beseech all true believers to strike back against these ghoulish horrors, and stop the pollution of the sacred ground of Azyr. Pray that Sigmar sees the error of his ways before it is too late!

ATTENTION READER. THE PRECEEDING TEXT HAS BEEN DEEMED HERETICAL BY THE LORD-CENSOR. REPORT TO THE LOCAL CRUSADE RECRUITMENT OFFICER TO PROVE YOUR LOYALTY IMMEDIATELY.

Special Issue: Skink beats odds, slays metallic daemon

After an apocolyptic series of duels, melees, and catastrophic clashes of wit and skill, the skink chief Ga’in’ga’za has triumphed over the mythical beast known only as the Golden Daemon.

The result was a surprise to those who had predicted the battle to go to an individual of more imposing stature and brawn. However the combat was as much a contest of skill as it was of strength, and the clever skink was able to claim the prize through dexterous use of agility and refined technique.

When we approached Ga’in’ga’za in the wake of his victory, we asked for his response to those who said that his size meant that he didn’t deserve the win. Unfortunately our interpreter was unable to make it, so all we understood were the terms for ‘birthing parent’ and ‘the previous night’, followed by what we gathered was a laugh. Hopefully our readers at home can make sense of it.

Sylvaneth seek military edge, deploy dragon

After being on the backfoot for the past few years, the Sylvaneth wargroves have grown sick and tired of being the underdogs. To this end, and while enviously eying the armies of the Stormcast Eternals, the forest spirits have reached back into their ancestral memories and summoned a dragon of their own.

“We are conscious that many enemies, and friends, will be cowering in fear at the sight of the mighty Forest Dragon,” stated Alarielle at a press conference announcing the move. “Please be assured that this is the intended effect.”

The most ancient and wizened of souls are thrilled at the return of the fearsome beast, excitedly sharing faint memories of the World-That-Was with all those that will listen. To hear them speak is to hear of a time when dragons had real character, and armies took to the field in serried ranks with banners fluttering in the wind. A wonderous time, long since past.

To others however, the dragon looks like a green worm with wings. In hushed tones they wonder how the dragon’s abnormally large head was held aloft by its spindly neck, and postulate how its narrow torso could hold more than a single organ. 

Nevertheless, the nay-sayers have had little impact and the wargroves continue to lobby the Everqueen for permission to borrow the dragon. Reportedly this is more due to the fun Tree-Revenants are having soaring over the treetops than any military advantage they might be receiving, but the Sylvaneth are taking all the wins they can get.