“Ruining our sweet style” – Nagash objects to unearthing of Khemri legions

Nagash has rejected the early buzz surrounding the return of the Tomb Kings, accusing them of ruining the aesthetic quality he has recently cultivated amongst his undead legions.

“The Supreme Necromancer has poured an immense amount of time and energy into making undead constructs look the best they possibly can,” explained Nagash’s spokesliche Arkhan the Black. “These so-called Tomb Kings appearing with fists larger than their skulls and horses with prominent bone-tails makes a laughing-stock of all of Death.”

Some individuals have attempted to defend the Tomb Kings’ appearance, arguing that they are a product of their time and possess a certain ‘retro charm’. Nagash’s supporters are unconvinced, insisting that being dead is not an excuse to ignore the latest fashion trends.

We sought comment from Settra, leader of the Tomb Kings, but he was not willing to provide any comment. At the first mention of Nagash’s name he began violently attacking our journalist, bellowing at his attendants to “release the scarabs”. We will bring you an update on the journalist’s medical condition shortly.

Nagash’s purchase of Squeekr continues to embarrass

Some time has passed since Nagash purchased Skaven communication medium Squeekr after an ill-advised boast, but time has not made him wiser. The Supreme Necromancer has continued to make error after error as he attempts to navigate Squeekr’s twisted warrens.

His first gaffe was removing the byzantine restrictions the Council of Thirteen had placed on Squeekr, instead opening the gates to any who wished to join. A dig at Sigmar’s historic closing of the gates of Azyr, the system was immediately flooded by hordes of Orruks yelling “Waaagh!” until the restrictions could be reinstated months later.

A more recent error was the adjustment of the system of warpstone tokens labeling users of notable pedigree. Instead, Nagash promised that any individual could instead pay to receive a token of their own. Although this saw some early support, the numbers quickly dropped, with those bearing a token becoming an immediate target of Eshin assassins. Nagash implemented a system that provided an option to hide the possession of a token, but subscribers continue to live in fear.

Whether we have seen the last of Nagash is unknown, but experts consider it unlikely as the death god continues to try and recuperate losses sustained during the Necroquake. Rumours have begun to circulate that Nagash operates a secret, alternate Squeekr handle named Lil’ Siggy which he uses to impersonate a juvenile alter-ego of the God-King as a sort of stress relief. We will bring you further updates as they happen.

Nagash demands Necromancer’s Day in wake of Women’s Day

Taking a break from his ancient grudge against Sigmar, Nagash has turned his wrath against the women of the Mortal Realms. Having been advised by Arkhan that the Realms have just celebrated a holiday recognising women from every walk of life, the Supreme Necromancer has immediately issued an edict demanding that all residents of Shyish observe an Interrealm Necromancer’s Day.

“This has been a long time coming,” announced Arkhan the Spokesliche. “No longer will necromancers, particularly supreme ones, go unrecognised for all their hard work.”

Detractors in Azyr have been quick to criticise the move. They have pointed out that Women’s Day is meant to celebrate a typically disadvantaged group whose work often goes unseen, rather than literal death gods. Arkhan has countered, stating that Sigmar has yet to recognise Nagash’s hard work in corralling the souls of the dead or their shepherding to the afterlife. He did not mention Nagash’s practice of conscripting these souls into his personal armies.