Khorne institutes controversial blood offering guidelines

After aeons of caring not from whence the blood flowed, Khorne has recently announced a list of restrictions on how and from where blood should be sourced. Exalted Spokesdaemons have laid the blame on low quality blood corrupting the purity of proper sacrifices, and explained the rules are to encourage an overall higher quality of offering.

A selection of the rules are as follows:

  • No ‘blood’ extracted from Nighthaunt.
  • No blood oozed from buboes, welts from barbed whips, or paper cuts inflicted from arcane tomes.
  • No donors who were living in Shyish during the Necroquake. 
  • No aethergold, Aqua Ghyranis, or any other metaphorical lifeblood from any living faction.
  • No previously dried blood mixed with water. Khorne can tell the difference.

Any followers wishing to lodge feedback regarding the changes are encouraged to strap an axe at neck height onto a suitably sturdy surface and run at it at full speed.

Khorne opens submissions for new word to replace blood-, skull-

After a decade of possessing well-established nomenclature, the Blood God is looking to shake things up. They have sent out a challenge to all the Realms: find a new word for Khorne to beat into the bloody ground.

An early favourite is haemo-, an old human word meaning ‘blood’. Supporters claim that it will add a bit of refinement to Khorne’s legions, though admit it lacks the clear messaging of its predecessors.

Some worshippers have thrown their support behind bone-, suggesting that it provides a neat synthesis between blood- and skull-. This suggestion is unlikely to be chosen though, due to legal threats from Nagash.

The most likely contender however, to the disappointment of many, is simply the word blood- again, but this time written in big capital letters. Khorne is reportedly pleased with the refreshed look, having changed his mind about the whole thing and declaring any sort of change to be dangerously Tzeentchian.

Skull Throne diminished due to delays in Realm-wide logistics

Upset in the Brass Citadel this week as continued delays result in a conspicuously skull-sized hole in Khorne’s throne.

The Blood God, famous for his craftsmanship as well as his violence, has spent several eternities building an edifice from the skulls of fallen warriors. However bones do not last forever, and Khorne has relied on a steady supply of replacement craniums to maintain his throne, a project that now lies in jeopardy.

The causes for these delays are many and varied, but the following are seen as the major contributors:

– Diminishing numbers of Khorne worshippers, adherents instead seeking to join Ironjawz Waaaghs! or Ogor Warglutts.
– Strikes by squig herder unions, whose members are responsible for managing the Realms’ messenger squigs. Demands include longer pokin’ sticks, and a day off each year to celebrate Squigmas.
– Increased funding to the Ossiarch Bonereapers, leading to a crackdown on bone-tithe avoidance.

Faced with limited options Khorne is reportedly trying to pick between alternate, but potentially necessary, evils; allow the skull throne to diminish while things to return to normal, or instead supplement it with a coccyx couch.