“They must be up to something” – Gloomspite Gitz’ underperformance sparks desperate hope

It has been several days since the much-anticipated re-emergence of the Gloomspite Gitz failed to materialise, the spotlight instead being stolen by the Mawtribes and Sons of Behemat. Supporters of the diminutive greenskins were initially left flabbergastered, but have since gathered themselves and developed a hypothesis – the grots are waiting for something bigger.

“Da Bad Moon wouldn’t leave us like this,” insisted one Gloomspite devotee. “Skragrott’s gonna come back riding a troggoth I bet. Or maybe they’ll have developed a new kind of Spiderfang spider. Squigs with even bigger teeth are a possibility too. All I know is, this can’t be it!”

Cynics have done little to engage with the fans, seemingly loath to lay into a git while they’re down. Instead they have restricted themselves to gently correcting obvious falsehoods, such as the rumour that any grot pledging themselves to Chaos will be included in Archaon’s own revamp at the end of the year.

For any readers hoping to support the Gloomspite in their time of need, there will be an Adopt-a-Trogg drive next week where contributors can fund the growth and maintenance of a Dankhold Troggoth.* 

*Please note that any individuals seen attending this event will be arrested immediately for treason against Sigmar.

Kharadron Overlord profits up despite grot boycott

The annual profit reports issued by the Geldraad council are appointment reading for the economists of the Realms, representing the total gross revenue streams of all the skyports pledged to the Kharadron Code. Today’s report represents another success for the Kharadron, showing continued profit despite heavy economic headwinds. The finding has generated some surprise in the wider community, but none are more shocked than the Cutbait Grots – a confederation of grots dedicated to fulfilling prophecies of the skyports’ demise.

Microboss Loudnag, leader of the confederation, has refused to comment on the news. They have instead locked themselves away with their most trusted followers, presumably poring over the reports in minute detail to uncover some hidden disaster. Rumours have it that Loudnag is only able to sustain his current standard of living (most famously being able to afford two pet squigs and as many shrooms as he can snort) through the donations of the faithful, an income stream that may dry up should the prophecies prove without substance.

“He probably just has to be patient,” advised financial commentator Helg Shortcall. “Profits rise and fall, and it’s just a matter of time until the Geldraad has an unprofitable year, or at the very least a less-profitable one. If Loudnag can last until then, he can jump back in guns blazing.”

Editor’s note: As we go to print Loudnag has issued his response, proclaiming that the Geldraad’s profit increased at a rate slower than the annual rate of inflation, thus representing an actual loss. Although shaky, the statement appears to have shored up his congregation and they seem as confident as ever of the Kharadron Overlords’ imminent downfall.

Troggs face identity crisis over battlefield role

There is a sense of excitement settling over the Realms this week as generals begin to swap out their monsters for ranks of infantry. Standing apart from all this however are the troggs, who are still unsure where they fit into the whole paradigm.

“Am big, am strong. Not monster? Okay,” commented Big Zug, local trogg. “Not monster? Not little thing? Not okay!”

The Azyr High Command, who drafted this season’s laws, are pushing back at accusations of anti-trogg bias, pointing out that printed copies of the rules display an illustration of a trogg on their cover. When questioned why this was the case, and whether it was just an example of Destruction tokenism, the High Command refused to comment.

Regardless of their intended purpose on the battlefield, troggs’ enthusiasm generally remains undiminished as they continue to trogg away in the dank caves and filthy mires of the Realms. Perhaps this could be a lesson to us, to find meaning in the simple things in life.

ADDENDUM: BY ORDER OF THE ORDER OF AZYR, CITIZENS ARE FORBIDDEN FROM LEARNING LIFE LESSONS FROM TROGGOTHS.