Job satisfaction for Warriors, Knights skyrockets – “It’s good to be back”

The most recent survey of the Chaos workforce has just been published, presenting a series of interesting results that the Everchosen has been keen to publicise. The most striking finding has been the job satisfaction numbers for the core troops of the Slaves to Darkness, which have skyrocketed in the wake of their most recent workplace reshuffle.

Chaos Warriors as a cohort have reported a staggering 66% increase in positive responses to the question “Do you feel satisfied with your place in the team?” and a 45% increase to the question “Are you provided with the right tools to perform your tasks?” This has been correlated with a marked increase in their success on the battlefield, earning them their long-awaited day in the sun.

“These banners they’re handing out nowadays are terrific,” commented Irla Stabdoer, Chaos Warrior. “Standing near a smelly scrap of fabric makes me feel ten times tougher. I used to dread coming into work, but now I look forward to it!”

Chaos Knights have likewise found a new lease on life, having finally been taught how to use the full length of their lances. Recent rumours have it that some veterans are seeking to take this a step further, and are pushing the technology to its limits to create a sort of ‘throwing’ spear. More news as it happens.

Skull Throne diminished due to delays in Realm-wide logistics

Upset in the Brass Citadel this week as continued delays result in a conspicuously skull-sized hole in Khorne’s throne.

The Blood God, famous for his craftsmanship as well as his violence, has spent several eternities building an edifice from the skulls of fallen warriors. However bones do not last forever, and Khorne has relied on a steady supply of replacement craniums to maintain his throne, a project that now lies in jeopardy.

The causes for these delays are many and varied, but the following are seen as the major contributors:

– Diminishing numbers of Khorne worshippers, adherents instead seeking to join Ironjawz Waaaghs! or Ogor Warglutts.
– Strikes by squig herder unions, whose members are responsible for managing the Realms’ messenger squigs. Demands include longer pokin’ sticks, and a day off each year to celebrate Squigmas.
– Increased funding to the Ossiarch Bonereapers, leading to a crackdown on bone-tithe avoidance.

Faced with limited options Khorne is reportedly trying to pick between alternate, but potentially necessary, evils; allow the skull throne to diminish while things to return to normal, or instead supplement it with a coccyx couch.

Archaon beginning to lose track of cults in his service

The year-long recruitment drive for the Slaves to Darkness continues apace, with the Chaos Legionnaries and Horns of Hashut recently being added to the ranks. Despite the benefits this increased manpower brings, some say that Archaon is beginning to regret his popularity and is struggling to keep a handle on all the cults in his army.

Reports indicate that cracks began to show early this year, when Archaon mistook a band of Spire Tyrants for the Corvus Cabal. A dozen Tyrants had already thrown themselves off the edge of a cliff before Archaon realised they were not the airborne killers he had assumed them to be. Tragedy was also narrowly avoided as the Scions of the Flame were recalled moments before marching into the ocean to combat the Deepkin, a strategy approved by the Everchosen who understood the flame to be metaphorical.

That this steady stream of new cults might be a cunning ploy by a rival to undermine the Varanspire’s warmachine has certainly crossed Archaon’s mind. Suspicion has fallen onto Be’lakor, who only a month ago was seen brazenly adding cohorts of Chaos Legionnaires to the Everchosen’s host. Be’lakor has rejected these accusations, insisting that the Legionnaires “have always been a thing.”

Until Archaon is able to consolidate control over his bloated army, a moratorium has been established preventing the adding of new warbands. Applicants are instead encouraged to seek employment with other factions to gain experience and try again later.