Strike Out! Nagash slams use of Longstrike Crossbows, threatens escalation

Emotions are running high in the Realm of Death as the Supreme Necromancer picks up his army and leaves, in the middle of a war heavily featuring the Stormcast Eternals.

“There’s absolutely no point in fighting if the Soul-Thief is going to engage in tactics like this,” the Undying King was reported as having said on Femmur, a Death-focused social communications network. “This type of behaviour is ruining the wars that I love.”

Onlookers have described Nagash’s displeasure as focusing particularly on the Vanguard-Raptors, ace hunters of the Stormhosts. Their Longstrike Crossbows are reportedly able to shatter his skeletal form with only seconds of sustained fire, a situation with obvious negatives for the death god.

Nagash has later come out and clarified his comment, stating that the Stormcast generals he did face appeared to be noble opponents (despite being the result of nefarious soul-crime). He has instead reinforced his plea to Sigmar for him to tone down his warriors’ weaponry, threatening to release his own crossbow-wielding ghosts if action is not taken.

Nurgle word game takes Realms by storm

Sweeping the Mortal Realms faster than the plagues its namesake brews, Nurgle has become a quick favourite for those needing a quick daily break from the age of endless war. Here’s how it works:

A grid of buboes will appear on the user’s skin, typically the thigh or another location with a lot of space. The bearer then has six attempts to guess a word randomly chosen each day, with their guesses becoming imprinted on each fleshy lump. The grid itself will give hints to the bearer, filling with yellow fluid if a letter is correct but misplaced, and squirting celebratory mucus on a correct guess.

The Order of Azyr has taken a grim view of the pastime, citing the daemonic influence and the time wasted at work. Sanitisation stations have been set up to allow those afflicted to have the grid removed without charge, though potential users are recommended to organise a week of work following the procedure in order to recover.

Editor’s note: We have received word that a failure to guess the word after six attempts may result in the player’s belly rupturing with a parade of Nurglings. For players on their sixth guess we recommend staying calm, finding a friend, and consulting your local dictiomancer.

“It’ll be our time soon,” insists Gor about to die from old age

Today marks the annual Proclamation of the Coming Beastening, a regular event put on by local beastman Merinok the Prophet. Every year the aging Gor stands upon his rock on the border of town, and vows the impending victory of beast-kind.

“You shoe-wearers’ days are numbered!” wheezed Merinok, leaning heavily on his club. “The Brayherds are rising, just you wait!”

Commentators have advised onlookers to take these doomsayings with a grain of salt, pointing out that Merinok has been saying this for years without much success. One particularly omniscient seer was able to peer into alternate realities, and revealed that even in other dimensions beastmen have tended to receive a low estimation from their opponents.

Sadly it seems Merinok’s days of prophecy are numbered, with the elderly gor hanging onto life by a thread. Rumours indicate that his health is such that the only food he is able to consume is soup, a suggestion furiously refused by the Beastman.

Followers of the Prophet may have reason to hope however, as news filters through the Realms of the victories of a herd of Bullgors in the Vega Plains. Upon hearing the news Merinok was able to launch into a second lengthy diatribe, wowing the town’s inhabitants but reportedly not impressing the other Beastmen, who have apparently heard it all before.