Generals battling to tight schedule demand timers, cause controversy

The past weekend saw the conclusion of the World Battle, an immense conflict bringing together armies from all across the Realms. Although participants have reported high levels of satisfaction with the event, there has been some controversy around the use of clocks and other timers during the event.

“Wars are meant to be fought on their own time,” insisted Vice-Governor Stov, a critic of the move. “Some armies fight quickly, others prefer a slow grind. The imposition of artificial time limits is an affront to the very nature of war which is, after all, meant to be fun.”

Proponents of the move have pushed back, pointing to the benefits enjoyed at the World Battle.

“Not a single battle went to time, or at least not many,” boasted the fabled general Whyys the Banqueter. “The use of clocks let us fight tight, speedy battles that proved a real test of generalship and skill. I’m absolutely chuffed with my fellow warlords, and accusations that they are ruining the institution of battle have me absolutely livid.”

As the debate rages on the factions have failed to come to a common understanding with which to approach the issue, with neither a ‘organised battle’ or ‘epic tale’ paradigm proving sufficient to unite the groups. Perhaps despite the conflict, the event has made one thing clear – the infinite size of the Mortal Realms is rivalled only by the infinite ways to fight battles within its borders.

Stormcast technically undead- Azyr in uproar

A pedantic scholar has done what centuries of work by the Ruinous Powers could not – completely undermined trust in Sigmar’s Stormcast Eternals. They have demonstrated that, by most measures, the Stormcast Eternals actually represent a form of undead necromancy. In the spirit of honest journalism, we have reprinted the accusation below.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the living dead possess the following qualities:

They were at one point living beings
They at some point suffered a death to their mortal bodies
A portion of their self has been shackled for use by a powerful wizard or magical energy beyond their natural lifespan

It pains me to my core to say this, but Sigmar Heldenhammer, blessed be his name, has been tricked by the wicked necromancer Nagash and employed these dark magicks in the defence of Azyr! We can demonstrate this as follows:

All Stormcast Eternals profess to have begun their existence as living beings
If the heralds are to be believed, all Stormcast Eternals had their souls snatched away at the moment of their slaying by the foes of Sigmar
This soul has been reforged by Sigmar into a form utterly in thrall to his wishes

We beseech all true believers to strike back against these ghoulish horrors, and stop the pollution of the sacred ground of Azyr. Pray that Sigmar sees the error of his ways before it is too late!

ATTENTION READER. THE PRECEEDING TEXT HAS BEEN DEEMED HERETICAL BY THE LORD-CENSOR. REPORT TO THE LOCAL CRUSADE RECRUITMENT OFFICER TO PROVE YOUR LOYALTY IMMEDIATELY.

Skaven Deathmaster tries yoga, finally chills out

Celebration in the Under-empire today as Deatmaster Katch, notorious assassin of the Clans Eshin, marks 100 days without flipping out and killing everybody nearby. His fellow clanmates have labelled the achievement as the hard-won result of months of mediation, gentle exercise, and aromatherapy.

“Katch always mean, always want to stab-kill,” confirmed an anonymous source close to the Deathmaster. “Any second, Katch go on kill-spree, murder ally-mates. Very hard to plan sneak-heist.”

The turning point came last year when Katch came close to igniting a war between the Masterclan and his own, stopped only by the selfless sacrifice of 273 clanrats diving between him and a passing Grey Seer. At this point the situation could no longer be ignored by the shadowy masters of his clan, and he was quickly chained up and hauled away to their hidden fortress nestled between the Realms.

The relaxation regime was reportedly rigorous and thorough, utilising forbidden methods from the secret corners of both Hysh and Ulgu. Experimental yoga techniques, a sort of body-magic stolen from the Lumineth, were employed with exciting results, producing a more relaxed and flexible assassin. At the urging of the Clans Skryre warpstone facemasks were used for the first time as well, and were able to generate a more youthful appearance in the Deathmaster. Jade eggs were also imported, but their application proved difficult and was eventually abandoned.

As Eshin celebrates this exciting new development in Deatmaster training, we can exclusively report that the Masterclan have been exploring its capacity as a potential revenue stream. We encourage our readers to exercise caution when visiting their local beautician, and avoid any day spa that accepts warpstone as payment.