Authors rush to complete Battlescroll substitute

It has been over a month since the prophesied return of the Battlescroll, a powerful artefact published by Sigmar every quarter with the power to determine the fate of entire armies. Despair at first turned to frustration, but now to opportunity as wordsmiths around the Realms attempt to pen their own competing versions to fill the void.

“The cost to summon daemons of Nurgle is to drop by half,” declared the Buboescroll, a foul document penned by plague worshippers. “The resilience of rot flies is to be doubled, and the spell casting ability of all magical true-believers increased. Thanks be to the Grandfather!”

The Battleshell crafted by the Idoneth Deepkin adopted a similar tone, demanding an increase to the range of Namarti Reavers’ bows and the ability to change the tides of the aethersea at a whim. We have also been provided a calcified Bonescroll from Vokmortian of the Ossiarch Bonereapers, but unfortunately the list is simply too extensive to replicate here.

We have yet to receive word from Sigmaron regarding the release date of the official Battlescroll, and there have been few hints upon which we could make our own predictions. However experts agree that it cannot be delayed for much longer, as every day it is not released the horde of angry grots demanding its arrival only grows angrier and more squig-filled.

Ironjaw overly dependent on mount, unable to move without it

A case of suffering from success today as Big Gruk, Ironjaw, has finally admitted that he is unable to move without the assistance of his semi-loyal grunta Chompz.

His mates’ suspicions were first aroused when Big Gruk refused to get off his grunta to eat, insisting that he’d get something later, only for them to come back later and see him nibbling tics and parasites off of Chompz’ back. Even more suspect was his refusal to engage in the traditional daily brawl, instead arguing that they should transition to a jousting-based tussle.

“It’s a sad but not uncommon situation,” confirmed military counsellor Sig Freudman. “It can happen with any mounted warrior from any faction. After continued success on the back of a daemonic beast, rot fly, or even a gore-grunta, the individual feels insecure in their ability to win without that assistance. So they simply feel that they cannot function without it.”

If our readers recognise these signs in their friends and family, you do not need to take any drastic action. It is important that you simply assure them that they are feared and respected, no matter what they have between their legs.

‘WhackChop’ technique continues to prove controversial

For several months Gordrakk, the Fist of Gork, has been spreading word of the ‘WhackChop’, a method of fighting he insists makes the krumping of enemies magnitudes easier than traditional techniques. Despite, or perhaps because of, the popularity of the WhackChop there has been steady resistance from parts of the martial community. This has erupted in recent days, seeing Gordrakk criticised by several commentators through the mystical medium of Squeeker.

“It’s just chopping heads off!” protested one pundit. “It’s an altercation ending with a decapitation. Do we really need to simplify everything down to phrases an Orruk could grasp?” Gordrakk has pushed back, insisting that he didn’t claim to invent anything new but just thought “da boyz would find da techniquez useful” and that “it was all a bit of a larf”.

As we go to print events continue to escalate, with an ex-editor of the Hammerhal Herald implying that Grodrakk’s philosophy is similar to the one that brought about the Age of Chaos. The conflict appears to only be empowering Gordrakk however, who apparently intends to use his detractors to draw more followers to his Waaagh!