Famous Khorne champion Nik Toestubber has been laid low this morning and admitted to the Varanhospital with symptoms including joint pain, fatigue, and an unusual skintone. Early diagnostics have confirmed every worshipper’s worst nightmare – iron overload due to excess blood.
Around one in ten Khorne worshippers are susceptible to the condition, which results from too much iron in the bloodstream. Causes can be genetic, but for the Blood God’s followers it is just as often caused through the absorption of victims’ blood through the skin and tongue. Suggestions that bezerkers wear shirts to reduce the incidence of the condition have been roundly ignored
Thankfully through advances in Chaotic medicine the condition is treatable through the use of regular bloodlettings. The excess blood is highly prized by daemonsmiths, who find the increased iron levels a great help in their own endeavors.
Shock and dismay amongst the forces of Chaos this past week as the Tzaangor, previously a force shared both by the Disciples of Tzeentch and the Beasts of Chaos, abandon their previous flexibility and set up shop firmly in the Tzeentchian camp.
“We understand the Great Deceiver to be unpredictable, but this really gets our goat,” claimed a local Beastlord affected by the change. “They might be half Tzaan, but don’t forget they’re also half Gor!”
The finest Bray-Lawyers that the Greatfrays have to offer have been assigned the task of keeping the valued Tzaangor, but their lack of literacy has proven to be a significant hurdle. Efforts to bring the legal battle into the arena of headbutts have so far failed to yield any results.
The motivations of the Tzaangor remain a mystery, but rumours of significant stocks of cheese soon to be revealed by the Disciples of Tzeentch are the most likely culprit. Whether the tasty treat will be shared with the converts remains uncertain, with previous allotments previously being monopolised by daemons.
In response to falling recruitment numbers and shrinking market share, Archaon Everchosen is executing several bold strategies to shore up the Slaves to Darkness’ bottom line. Amidst new uniforms for the Chaos Chosen and an intensified exercise regime for Daemon Princes, one scheme stands out amongst the rest: the creation of a Chaos equivalent to the iconic greenskin squig.
‘Must be small, preferably round,’ reads the design brief acquired exclusively by the Azyr Weekly. ‘Distinctive physical feature (e.g. teeth) a must. Explore eye size – small and beady proven success, potential in market for large and plate-like. Interesting form of locomotion is a plus.’
Experiments by Tzeentchian magisters to reshape Chaos Spawn into smaller, more attractive forms met with disaster as the resultant Spawnlettes slipped their chains and caused significant slaughter in a nearby cultist encampment. Some hope that these antics could be spun positively in the Khornate and Orruk markets, an angle dismissed as the desperate pipedreams of those that insist that Chaos Spawn must be good for something.
Efforts to meet Archaon’s goals are ongoing, with Flesh Hound breeding programs and Slaaneshi slave raids both providing promising results. We will keep our readers posted as these projects progress.
Editor’s Note: We have received word that a Gaunt Summoner has been defenestrated from the Varanspire after suggesting the use of Nurglings. Whether the move was one of anger from Archaon or genuine embarrassment from not thinking of it first is unclear.