Orruks not green, just envious

Shock in the Mortal Realms this week as researchers in Azyr make an earth-shaking discovery – orruks are not naturally green, but are instead made that way due to their fundamentally envious nature.

The finding was made after an orruk was given the loudest firearm available from the Ironweld Arsenal, the fastest mount to be found in Hysh, and a pair of stilts which made him as tall as a mega-gargant. Upon receiving these goods the orruk’s skin immediately faded to a gentle lavender, and the orruk adopted a pleasant demeanour.

The implications are tremendous but application on the field has proven troubling, since only a single orruk can possibly be pacified this way at a single time. Efforts have instead pivoted to encouraging orruks to compare themselves against internal goals, rather than against their peers. However, just like their human counterparts, orruks have struggled to adopt this mindset and have instead taken to trying to prove their mindfulness through ritual bouts of ‘meditation’. That these often devolve into headbutting contests to prove who has the ‘strongest head’ has not filled Azyrite scholars with hope.

Ironjaw overly dependent on mount, unable to move without it

A case of suffering from success today as Big Gruk, Ironjaw, has finally admitted that he is unable to move without the assistance of his semi-loyal grunta Chompz.

His mates’ suspicions were first aroused when Big Gruk refused to get off his grunta to eat, insisting that he’d get something later, only for them to come back later and see him nibbling tics and parasites off of Chompz’ back. Even more suspect was his refusal to engage in the traditional daily brawl, instead arguing that they should transition to a jousting-based tussle.

“It’s a sad but not uncommon situation,” confirmed military counsellor Sig Freudman. “It can happen with any mounted warrior from any faction. After continued success on the back of a daemonic beast, rot fly, or even a gore-grunta, the individual feels insecure in their ability to win without that assistance. So they simply feel that they cannot function without it.”

If our readers recognise these signs in their friends and family, you do not need to take any drastic action. It is important that you simply assure them that they are feared and respected, no matter what they have between their legs.

‘WhackChop’ technique continues to prove controversial

For several months Gordrakk, the Fist of Gork, has been spreading word of the ‘WhackChop’, a method of fighting he insists makes the krumping of enemies magnitudes easier than traditional techniques. Despite, or perhaps because of, the popularity of the WhackChop there has been steady resistance from parts of the martial community. This has erupted in recent days, seeing Gordrakk criticised by several commentators through the mystical medium of Squeeker.

“It’s just chopping heads off!” protested one pundit. “It’s an altercation ending with a decapitation. Do we really need to simplify everything down to phrases an Orruk could grasp?” Gordrakk has pushed back, insisting that he didn’t claim to invent anything new but just thought “da boyz would find da techniquez useful” and that “it was all a bit of a larf”.

As we go to print events continue to escalate, with an ex-editor of the Hammerhal Herald implying that Grodrakk’s philosophy is similar to the one that brought about the Age of Chaos. The conflict appears to only be empowering Gordrakk however, who apparently intends to use his detractors to draw more followers to his Waaagh!