Lumineth general concedes defeat, deploys army half-coloured

It has been a trying few weeks for Lord Regent Uthralle as he attempts to muster an army for the upcoming Battle of the Frothing Bay. After spending a small fortune assembling the needed soldiery and associated heroes, Uthralle has been struck by the bane of all Realm-lords – the overengineering of the Lumineth uniform.

“Moulded-on runes were a mistake,” lamented the Lord-Regent, paintbrush and masking tape in hand. “And these delicate lengths of trim? You can’t even see them from a distance. Absolute waste of time.”

Lumineth agents have been dispatched across the Realms to try and find a solution to their aesthetic problem. Several successful exchanges have already taken place with the ethereal Nighthaunt, who have demonstrated their trend of dressing in a single, smooth gradient. Meetings with the Stormcast Eternals have delved into the idea of disguising aelves as if they were entirely made of rock, exciting the Alarith Stonemages but otherwise insulting the aelves’ sense of style.

Until adjustments are able to be made Teclis has begun petitioning the other gods for some leeway, proposing a ‘casual Friday’ for battles conducted at the end of a work week. He faces a frosty reception however, and may be regretting smiting many of his fellow deities with Purple Suns over the past month.

Kharadron Overlord profits up despite grot boycott

The annual profit reports issued by the Geldraad council are appointment reading for the economists of the Realms, representing the total gross revenue streams of all the skyports pledged to the Kharadron Code. Today’s report represents another success for the Kharadron, showing continued profit despite heavy economic headwinds. The finding has generated some surprise in the wider community, but none are more shocked than the Cutbait Grots – a confederation of grots dedicated to fulfilling prophecies of the skyports’ demise.

Microboss Loudnag, leader of the confederation, has refused to comment on the news. They have instead locked themselves away with their most trusted followers, presumably poring over the reports in minute detail to uncover some hidden disaster. Rumours have it that Loudnag is only able to sustain his current standard of living (most famously being able to afford two pet squigs and as many shrooms as he can snort) through the donations of the faithful, an income stream that may dry up should the prophecies prove without substance.

“He probably just has to be patient,” advised financial commentator Helg Shortcall. “Profits rise and fall, and it’s just a matter of time until the Geldraad has an unprofitable year, or at the very least a less-profitable one. If Loudnag can last until then, he can jump back in guns blazing.”

Editor’s note: As we go to print Loudnag has issued his response, proclaiming that the Geldraad’s profit increased at a rate slower than the annual rate of inflation, thus representing an actual loss. Although shaky, the statement appears to have shored up his congregation and they seem as confident as ever of the Kharadron Overlords’ imminent downfall.

Price of blood skyrockets – worshippers suffer

Despite record levels of violence and mayhem throughout the Realms, blood worshippers of all kinds have been struggling at the artery as the price of blood continues to skyrocket.

“We just thank Khorne that he’s also fond of skulls,” confided Sar’dob, Khornate cultist. “But it’s hard to harvest skulls sustainably, you know? It’s a one and done deal most of the time, and we’ve been trying to minimise waste.”

The followers of Morathi-Khaine have not been so lucky, with their goddess refusing to compromise on her sacrifice of choice. Efforts to replace the precious liquid with the supposedly equivalent sweat and tears have thus far been unsuccessful, with the Daughters of Khaine being unfamiliar with the concept of actually putting some effort in.

Reasons for the blood shortage are complex, however the main culprit seems to be the increasingly common occurance of weapons that don’t leave behind a body to drain the liquid from. Turned to dust by a Purple Sun, incinerated by dragonfire, or simply exploded by the charge of a regiment of bounty hunters, the paths to bodily annihilation have grown exceedingly common in the Mortal Realms.

For many at home, the mounting costs have only accelerated a transition to a souls-based economy. For those interested in switching to spirit offerings, please contact your local ~~Nagashite~~ Sigmarite temple.