A case of suffering from success today as Big Gruk, Ironjaw, has finally admitted that he is unable to move without the assistance of his semi-loyal grunta Chompz.
His mates’ suspicions were first aroused when Big Gruk refused to get off his grunta to eat, insisting that he’d get something later, only for them to come back later and see him nibbling tics and parasites off of Chompz’ back. Even more suspect was his refusal to engage in the traditional daily brawl, instead arguing that they should transition to a jousting-based tussle.
“It’s a sad but not uncommon situation,” confirmed military counsellor Sig Freudman. “It can happen with any mounted warrior from any faction. After continued success on the back of a daemonic beast, rot fly, or even a gore-grunta, the individual feels insecure in their ability to win without that assistance. So they simply feel that they cannot function without it.”
If our readers recognise these signs in their friends and family, you do not need to take any drastic action. It is important that you simply assure them that they are feared and respected, no matter what they have between their legs.
For several months Gordrakk, the Fist of Gork, has been spreading word of the ‘WhackChop’, a method of fighting he insists makes the krumping of enemies magnitudes easier than traditional techniques. Despite, or perhaps because of, the popularity of the WhackChop there has been steady resistance from parts of the martial community. This has erupted in recent days, seeing Gordrakk criticised by several commentators through the mystical medium of Squeeker.
“It’s just chopping heads off!” protested one pundit. “It’s an altercation ending with a decapitation. Do we really need to simplify everything down to phrases an Orruk could grasp?” Gordrakk has pushed back, insisting that he didn’t claim to invent anything new but just thought “da boyz would find da techniquez useful” and that “it was all a bit of a larf”.
As we go to print events continue to escalate, with an ex-editor of the Hammerhal Herald implying that Grodrakk’s philosophy is similar to the one that brought about the Age of Chaos. The conflict appears to only be empowering Gordrakk however, who apparently intends to use his detractors to draw more followers to his Waaagh!
Long considered a scourge on the Mortal Realms, Ironjawz mobs have been racking up victory after victory in recent weeks. This terrifying explosion of green-tinged violence has had an unexpected, though perhaps inevitable result; the creation of the Realms’ first Teraboss.
When we first put quill to parchment we were to report on the emergence of Gigabosses, each a monstrosity worth a thousand Megabosses. Unfortunately the Waaaagh! is never ending, and these beasts have birthed a Teraboss monstrosity after only two days of brutal victories.
Commentators have laid the blame squarely at the foot of Gore-grunta mobs of the Bloodtoofs tribe who, having recently discovered the sharpening powers of dragging their blades along stones, have become a terrifying prospect on the battlefield. Megabosses who tag along with these mobs are likely to find an easy path to victory and significant gains in both reputation and brawn. Naysayers have proposed that this may just be a flash in the pan, pointing to recent victories by the Nighthaunt and the Gloomspite Gitz. Suggestions that these factions may rise to challenge the Teraboss have been described as ‘lightly optimistic’ by the wider community.
For any readers who encounter the Teraboss in the wild, we recommend hiding if at all possible. If combat seems inevitable the best course of action is to recruit any of the local bands of Lumineth Sentinels who have become an increasingly common sight on the battlefields. If properly hidden behind a large rock, their magical arrowheads should be able to put the Teraboss down for good.