Skaven Deathmaster tries yoga, finally chills out

Celebration in the Under-empire today as Deatmaster Katch, notorious assassin of the Clans Eshin, marks 100 days without flipping out and killing everybody nearby. His fellow clanmates have labelled the achievement as the hard-won result of months of mediation, gentle exercise, and aromatherapy.

“Katch always mean, always want to stab-kill,” confirmed an anonymous source close to the Deathmaster. “Any second, Katch go on kill-spree, murder ally-mates. Very hard to plan sneak-heist.”

The turning point came last year when Katch came close to igniting a war between the Masterclan and his own, stopped only by the selfless sacrifice of 273 clanrats diving between him and a passing Grey Seer. At this point the situation could no longer be ignored by the shadowy masters of his clan, and he was quickly chained up and hauled away to their hidden fortress nestled between the Realms.

The relaxation regime was reportedly rigorous and thorough, utilising forbidden methods from the secret corners of both Hysh and Ulgu. Experimental yoga techniques, a sort of body-magic stolen from the Lumineth, were employed with exciting results, producing a more relaxed and flexible assassin. At the urging of the Clans Skryre warpstone facemasks were used for the first time as well, and were able to generate a more youthful appearance in the Deathmaster. Jade eggs were also imported, but their application proved difficult and was eventually abandoned.

As Eshin celebrates this exciting new development in Deatmaster training, we can exclusively report that the Masterclan have been exploring its capacity as a potential revenue stream. We encourage our readers to exercise caution when visiting their local beautician, and avoid any day spa that accepts warpstone as payment.

Cost of living increases prompts Pink Horror to de-split

Tough times all around in the Mortal Realms as individuals from all walks of life struggle under an increased cost of living. Every faction has their story, but the situation is best summed up by the experience of Plin’lo, a Pink Horror who was until recently happily split.

“We just couldn’t handle it,” confirmed Plin’lo, as he capered morosley. “The price of gold bangles, wicked hellfire, and wiggly knives had all increased tenfold while our wages refused to budge. We felt really undermined, you know? A daemon of change with stagnate wages? It’s almost offensive.”

We spoke to some companions who had previously known them as a pair of Blue Horrors, and they all corroborated their sad tale. “A Blue Horror is meant to be grumpy, but they were something else,” described a local Gor. “The decision wasn’t easy for them.”

We approached the office of Tzeentch, Plin’lo’s diabolical overlord, but have yet to receive any response. As we go to print however we’ve received confirmation that Plin’lo has been able to find new employment, taking advantage of the severe shortage of Bastiladon riders to the Seraphon. “I just needed to paint myself blue and wear a fake tail, and I fit right in,” Pin’lo said. “It’s nice to be on the winning team for once.”

Resplendent daemonic horde faces monochromatic counterpart

Ul’katoosh, Lord of Change, has long been known throughout the Realms not only for their flawless generalship, but also for the incredibly high standard of their army’s appearance. It has come as little surprise then to hear that they have engaged in bitter combat with a rival, the greyscale legion of Tooshka’ul. 

A tale as old as time, Ul’katoosh has taken offence at their rival’s paucity of colour. According to those with first hand experience fighting for the Greater Daemon, they spend an extravagant amount of time polishing their minions’ armour, designing elaborate tattoos, and orchestrating waves of daemonic colour to create the most spectacular impression on the battlefield. The concept of an army completely devoid of vibrancy is abhorrent to the Lord of Change, thus sparking the violent conflict we see today.

It seems unlikely that the two Greater Daemons will find any common ground, and as time goes on daemonic allies from both sides are beginning to join the fray. We will bring you any updates as they occur, but this reporter is doubtful that anything can change.

Update: We are pleased to report that the unthinkable has happened. According to our sources the two Greater Daemons, previously committed to bellowing passionate threats at each other across the battlefield, took to talking during a lull in the fighting. We can exclusively report that Tooshka’ul, master of the colourless horde, complimented Ul’katoosh’s resplendent force and generalship, and revealed that he had only summoned his own army in order to have the chance to test wits against him in battle. Ul’katoosh graciously accepted the compliment and extended one in return, commending Tooshka’ul’s ability on the battlefield. He admitted that although he much prefers fighting a force as beautiful as his own, he had still enjoyed their melee a great deal. The two have shaken hands, promising to see each other once again. 

The Order of Azyr forbids any citizen of the Free Cities from learning lessons from the Daemons of Chaos.