Health-conscious shoppers are being encouraged to exercise due diligence when doing their weekly shop. In particular, people are being urged to avoid a new range of yoghurt, named Bloab’s Best, which despite promising numerous health benefits has been determined to deliver anything but.
“The marketing isn’t deceitful in the strictest sense,” admitted an official in the know. “So long as you are happy identifying some frankly devastating diarrhea as a sign of a ‘super-charged digestive system’.”
The Maggotkin of Nurgle have taken issue with the warning, complaining of misuse of the food safety regime for political ends. “Bloab’s Best is exactly what it says on the punnet – a fruity mix of specially selected cultures designed to give your health system a kick up the rear,” insisted a spokesdaemon.
Citizens who have already purchased the product are asked to burn it immediately. Those who have already consumed it are encouraged to contact their local Order of Azyr who will be able to walk you through the sanctioned funeral options.
It has been a tough time for the Horrors of Tzeentch as of late. Not only have they received widespread derision and hostility due to their multiplicitive nature on the battlefield, but they have also just been awarded Least Horrific Daemon by the Azyrite Order of Daemonologists.
“Ultimately what you’ve got is a ball with teeth and limbs,” explained one of the voting members. “And sometimes those limbs have bangles. When you’re up against the necrotic Plaguebearers or hideous Daemonettes, it’s really no contest.”
Tzeentch has been deeply unsettled by the news, and is currently deep within the Crystal Labyrinth taking council from Kairos Fateweaver. The aim is to quickly escalate the horrific nature of Horrors and make them Realm-leading in the field. According to anonymous sources, the most likely path involves equipping them with a powerful ranged attack.
After aeons of caring not from whence the blood flowed, Khorne has recently announced a list of restrictions on how and from where blood should be sourced. Exalted Spokesdaemons have laid the blame on low quality blood corrupting the purity of proper sacrifices, and explained the rules are to encourage an overall higher quality of offering.
A selection of the rules are as follows:
- No ‘blood’ extracted from Nighthaunt.
- No blood oozed from buboes, welts from barbed whips, or paper cuts inflicted from arcane tomes.
- No donors who were living in Shyish during the Necroquake.
- No aethergold, Aqua Ghyranis, or any other metaphorical lifeblood from any living faction.
- No previously dried blood mixed with water. Khorne can tell the difference.
Any followers wishing to lodge feedback regarding the changes are encouraged to strap an axe at neck height onto a suitably sturdy surface and run at it at full speed.