“Just as planned” – Infuriating Tzeentch wizard refuses to take the L

A Tzeentch Fatemaster is shown in a collection of lethal situations, laughing in each one.

The schemes of Tzeentchian warlord Ponk Roseye, never the most satisfying of opponents, have taken a horrendous turn as they refuse to admit to even the smallest of defeats. At first this affectation was seen as a charming quirk, but has quickly spiraled out of control.

“It used to be, ‘Oh, you got me,’ or maybe an ‘Aw shucks’ but now he cackles and insists it’s all part of some grand scheme. It takes all the fun out of war,” complained long-suffering opponent Kragnan the Blood Dripper.

It is unclear whether this is a genuine belief of Roseye’s, or instead an effort to boost their self-esteem after a series of embarrassing defeats. The Weekly has asked Roseye how many more ‘victories’ their forces can hope to sustain before total annihilation, and whether this too is ‘part of the plan’. They have declined to comment.

Citizens urged to avoid Nurgle-produced pro-biotic yoghurt

Health-conscious shoppers are being encouraged to exercise due diligence when doing their weekly shop. In particular, people are being urged to avoid a new range of yoghurt, named Bloab’s Best, which despite promising numerous health benefits has been determined to deliver anything but.

“The marketing isn’t deceitful in the strictest sense,” admitted an official in the know. “So long as you are happy identifying some frankly devastating diarrhea as a sign of a ‘super-charged digestive system’.”

The Maggotkin of Nurgle have taken issue with the warning, complaining of misuse of the food safety regime for political ends. “Bloab’s Best is exactly what it says on the punnet – a fruity mix of specially selected cultures designed to give your health system a kick up the rear,” insisted a spokesdaemon.

Citizens who have already purchased the product are asked to burn it immediately. Those who have already consumed it are encouraged to contact their local Order of Azyr who will be able to walk you through the sanctioned funeral options.

Pink Horrors rated least horrific daemon

It has been a tough time for the Horrors of Tzeentch as of late. Not only have they received widespread derision and hostility due to their multiplicitive nature on the battlefield, but they have also just been awarded Least Horrific Daemon by the Azyrite Order of Daemonologists.

“Ultimately what you’ve got is a ball with teeth and limbs,” explained one of the voting members. “And sometimes those limbs have bangles. When you’re up against the necrotic Plaguebearers or hideous Daemonettes, it’s really no contest.”

Tzeentch has been deeply unsettled by the news, and is currently deep within the Crystal Labyrinth taking council from Kairos Fateweaver. The aim is to quickly escalate the horrific nature of Horrors and make them Realm-leading in the field. According to anonymous sources, the most likely path involves equipping them with a powerful ranged attack.