Ironclad flees airborne Stonehorn

Terror and fear in the skies above tonight as the Iron Profit, an Arkanaut Ironclad of the Barak-Nar skyport, makes full speed ahead to escape the charge of a maraudering, and unfortunately flying, Stonehorn.

We publish our story on the second day of the Profit’s escape, our news gyrocopter barely keeping pace with the frantic flight. Using an enchanted loud speaker we asked the captain and crew for any comment they wanted to provide, but received only panicked shouts and curses in response.

According to experts on the ground, there are few options available for the fleeing Ironclad. The most popular, though least likely to work, relies on the vessel still maintaining stocks of the previously standard-issue Warp-Lightning-Vortex-in-a-Bottle. Older models grounded their victims when deployed, an ability which could very well save the Iron Profit’s hull today. If the vessel is unable to find such a device, then its options narrow to blasting the Stonehorn out of the sky (which would require a severely unprofitable expenditure of ammunition), or simply hoping that the beast gets bored and stops. Given the notoriously rock-hard brains of the beasts, this last option seems unlikely.

New generation of Chaos Warrior outclasses old with improved armour, poses

Angst amongst the Slaves to Darkness this week as the dark hordes prepare to welcome a new generation of stronger, meaner, and flashier Warriors.

“Used to be all you needed was a suit of armour and a sharp sword,” said Gornar Goodchewer, Chaos Warrior. “Now they’re turning up with glowing runes, chiselled jaws, and dynamic stances. Posers…”

This new generation of hellish infantry has reportedly delighted Archaon, who has broadened the initiative to include the Chaos Chosen, Chaos Knights, and assorted heroes. Chaos Marauders have been forbidden from joining the project, supposedly due to the pleasure Archaon feels watching them struggle under their unlikely physique.

Authors rush to complete Battlescroll substitute

It has been over a month since the prophesied return of the Battlescroll, a powerful artefact published by Sigmar every quarter with the power to determine the fate of entire armies. Despair at first turned to frustration, but now to opportunity as wordsmiths around the Realms attempt to pen their own competing versions to fill the void.

“The cost to summon daemons of Nurgle is to drop by half,” declared the Buboescroll, a foul document penned by plague worshippers. “The resilience of rot flies is to be doubled, and the spell casting ability of all magical true-believers increased. Thanks be to the Grandfather!”

The Battleshell crafted by the Idoneth Deepkin adopted a similar tone, demanding an increase to the range of Namarti Reavers’ bows and the ability to change the tides of the aethersea at a whim. We have also been provided a calcified Bonescroll from Vokmortian of the Ossiarch Bonereapers, but unfortunately the list is simply too extensive to replicate here. 

We have yet to receive word from Sigmaron regarding the release date of the official Battlescroll, and there have been few hints upon which we could make our own predictions. However experts agree that it cannot be delayed for much longer, as every day it is not released the horde of angry grots demanding its arrival only grows angrier and more squig-filled.